I spent some time yesterday with friend from church who really has serious trouble with her weight--she's well over 300 lbs and is getting worse. She feels out of control and has reached the point where she can't use normal bathroom stalls because they are too small. I am so relieved and grateful that I have been spared that.
Wow---even as I type that--and I do mean it with all my heart--a part of me is wondering how bad would that be? Just to be really big--but able to eat whatever I want all the time? Maybe it would be worth it? I can't believe part of me thinks that way. One thing I know for sure--the difference between me and my friend is very small. I've read enough books and blogs to recognize much of my own distorted thinking in the lives of people who weigh 400 plus pounds. What keeps me relatively slim? And what keeps truly slim people that way? One thing is just the difference in where one has their brakes set. I wouldn't eat two burgers at Burger King. I just wouldn't. When I was growing up it just wasn't done. I was very lucky. I could so easily have kept on getting worse when I hit 228--I was out of control. My poor sister HAS kept getting worse.
Anyway--it would be awful to weigh 300+ pounds--and I bet it would surprise me in a thousand unpleasant ways how limiting that would be. Afraid to sit in any chair. No hikes to waterfall canyon. No seeing timpanogos cave. No clothes off the rack. No feeling attractive--ever. No using a regular bathroom. Acid reflux. No deep breath. No good night's sleep. No flying in an airplane. No movies--not even Harry Potter. NO DISNEYLAND!! (That alone makes me never want to be that fat). No easy self-care--how does one clip ones toenails? No sitting on the floor to do a jigsaw puzzle. No playing the harp (Can't have fat fingers). No walks on a summer evening. No riding in any old car--and no wearing a seatbelt. No good employment (hard to find jobs), No eating in any restaurant you want--it can't have booths or flimsey chairs. No snorkeling in Aruba. No putting up Christmas lights. No attending any event in a stadium. No Nothing! And in the end not even very good food--can't stand for long to cook, can't run to the store if you're out of an ingredient. Endless health problems. Endless personal problems that I can't even imagine. A nightmare.
How horrible to be so imprisoned. How thankful today that I am relatively free. I can do anything, go anywhere. And I CAN make good food and exercise choices. Listening to my friend, she really isn't at the point where she can make better choices--Exercise is much harder for her than it is for me, her husband isn't supportive, her habits are much worse, her computer connections aren't good. Everything healthful is alien to her and she is profoundly discouraged. A five pound loss for me will make a visible difference--more than a 50 pound loss for her. I'm grateful today that I am at the bottom of the weight watchers alloted point system. I will never drop below 29 points. And I'm so thankful that I feel full and happy at 29. Yes, I whine a lot, and yes it's hard, but it is POSSIBLE for me and that isn't true for everybody.
Today feels rich and abundant. For breakfast I had two slices of a raisin nut bread that my friend gave me, a banana, no cal juice, and milk. For lunch I'll have a cabbage salad with olives, pepperocini, feta cheese and dressing, 4 wasa crisps and brie cheese to spread on them and 1 big reeses peanut butter cup. This will leave me 12 points for dinner and that's an ok amount.
I'm about 45 pounds overweight. A problem, but rather than being trapped in a small dark prison cell, I'm wandering far out in the grounds feeling the sun and the wind and working on lock on the gate that will free me forever.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
No comments:
Post a Comment