348 Death

It's really here. Mom's cancer is finally putting an end to her life. We got her to Hawaii through pure miracle and now it looks as though she might not make it through the weekend. It seems strange to me that this blog is still about food--it seems incredibly shallow. But it's not through any lack of feeling that Mom's disease isn't the star of this blog. For one thing Dad and Christine's problems cause me much more genuine grief than death--which I perceive as a release and a good thing for Mom.  But the real reason is that this blog is about healing my relationship with food which has to happen IN my life not just around my life. I suppose it sounds as though I'm trying to rationalize my feelings.  I suppose I am  sort of.  I think I'm just surprising myself. I saw Mom last night and came home and had a good cry. Thought a lot about Mom and how much I'll miss her, but ALSO thought at least some about the iron man and if I should press on and if so how to do that.  Which shocked me that it would even cross my mind. Food-wise also---I'll be in SLC most of the rest of this week and however much of the next week that it takes and then there is the funeral and a thousand things. I'm coming up against a deeply rooted belief that this is NOT the time to be worrying about food and exercise. This would be true if I could truly manage my intake--I think most normal people would simply lose their appetites and act accordingly and therefore NOT have to worry about it. I can't do that yet. I do lose my appetite, but I still eat anyway more often than not. Also, as this blog shows there are endless opportunities that seem like very good reasons to me to not worry about food and exercise. The death of ones mother qualifies as a legitimate reason--but once I allow this where do I draw the line? When Catherine goes away? If the cat dies? If I lose my job? An earthquake? It seems funny to wonder about this when this whole blog is filled with overeating for things like vacations, holidays or even movies--but there is a difference. With those things the stop and start of the deviations are very clear--also, I KNOW I'm being deviant. I KNOW what my behavior should be and I'm deliberately choosing to act in a contrary way. Death is different--I don't know what my behavior should be or how a normal person would react, and I'm thrown that I even care.

I think the word "worry" is the problem--I shouldn't "worry" I should just eat right and exercise period. Especially during times of stress when having a strong body is important. I think the thing I shouldn't "worry" about is the iron-man. I can't go swimming tonight and I don't know what the next weeks will bring. I think for the next little while my "plan" will be to eat as lightly and sensibly as possible--to exercise as much as I can, take my vitamins and drink plenty of water.

So today---I am grateful for:
being in Utah so I can go and see Mom
cream of wheat with her blackberries
olives
a kindly work environment
progresso soup and cheese
the fact that my problem is not so severe that I can't be flexible--if I go over points or don't exercise or whatever,  it's not the end of the world.