Thanksgiving

1. Macy's parade
2. Sesame st
3. Arthur's perfect christmas
4. Kids meal toys
5. Vaccines
6. The merc
7. Parades
8. Pride and p. and bbc version
9. Scripture headings
10. Daredevils
11. Sunday game night
12. Homemade bread
13. Harry potter world
14. Magicians
15.hoodies
16. Puns
17. English accents
18. Marching bands
19. The weather channel
20. Edelweiss store

Pre thanksgiving

I think we're all set for thanksgiving. truly, unless there is a major health problem! there's no reason to worry about food on thanksgiving! Christmas and he 4th of July.

1. Big hero 6
2. That the roads will be clear tomorrow
3. Creative people.
4. Stranded at plimoth plantation
5. Verna mead
6. Pentagon and and other Capella groups
7. Movie popcorn
8. Star Trek
9. Tigger tummy
10. Sheet music
11. A break from harp
12. Alarm clocks--handy if annoying
13. English.com
14. That I don't have a dog
15. The exercise bike
16.that the table fits in the living room
17. That I can spell
18. My old humor column
19. A working oven
20 fancy holiday cookware

Contention and aussie bites

Boy I HATE, hate, hate contention of any kind! Dave had a tiff with his sister, Margie. Margie lives 2000 miles away. Still too close for contention. It's not realistic to expect to go through life without ever contending with anyone. For me, the good news that this is not really my fight, but the bad news is that I can't really do anything about it either. I suggested to Dave this morning that he should apologize, not for his opinion, but for making Margie feel bad. I feel like that's as far as I should go on this one.

Anyway. Thanksgiving break after today!!!! YAY!!!! And today is a nice day too. Only two more days of kettlebell class, thank goodness. I still want to do these workouts, but on my own time, and it will be nice not to have to change at work anymore. I suspect that I'll feel this in my arms tomorrow.
At work today people brought clementines and aussie bites. The aussie bites are these super-healthy little cakey things. I really liked them, but I looked at the calories 130. Fine, but I still had two. Ouch. It just reminds me how far off the track I am. One change I will make if I try my system again, which I probably will after all, is to make more of a point of COUNTING gentle exercise and DOING gentle exercise. Sometimes it's much more difficult for me to do a slow walk around the duck pond than it is to do a hard workout. That's because I imagine that the slow walk does nothing. IT DOES!! In my mind, it earns 50 calories for 1/2 hour.  I also had trouble with getting that first 1/2 hour of exercise in because in my mind it should be something that I consider "worth" doing--not just a lame lap. Well---that doesn't always come first. This time I'm going to appreciate the efforts I make a little more. Lame effort counts and I am determined to eat the calories accordingly--it will still be within moderate range but hopefully, I'll be able to be much more consistent if I lower expectations a little.

1. Gum
2. Margie--she's such a fun person
3. For time to clean house tonight
4. That I seem to have been able to nip that cold. I feel much better.
5. For the big bag of plastic fall leaves that Catherine found for me
6. That my rewrite isn't too bad--and neither is my final
7. That orientation is going well today
8. That the orientation shirt fits. (this isn't great. It's a size 2x because these are truly built weird, but it would have been super depressing if it hadn't fit.)
9. That Andrew called yesterday and the money should come soon.
10. That I'm presenting with Nikki who is so cute.
11. That I found out about how the bookclub lunch works
12. For an office door that closes
13. The other car is fixed!
14. I have tomorrow off
15. That Thanksgiving day will be clear--no snow
16. That Catherine could make pumpkin bread for the Gooches today
17. warm blankets
18. Dorothy Sayers movies
19. Good teachers
20. That Dave works with good people.

New Motto

This needs to be my motto for weight loss. Seriously, Just stop quitting. This will work well for harp for writing for running, for gardening for anything where I'm constantly having to regain ground.

I'm still working on my big questions---HOW can I make eating less feel like a sustainable lifestyle? How do I break this pattern?  First two or three days the diet is easy---it takes that long to clear the junk out of my system, then 1-3 weeks of reasonable good will, then crashing boredom and resentment. That's because none of the systems I have tried feel like a lifestyle change--they all feel like a diet. Exception would be the book, "You on a Diet" which emphasized eating real food. That concept feels like a sustainable change and I will continue to work on that, but the book degenerates into a horrific sounding diet at the end. I also need to address fear of being thin---not even thin, just a healthy weight. WHAT is the problem? Am I afraid of anger? Or is it not fear at all--just plain anger? I'll explore that a minute:

I'm finally a healthy weight

WHY didn't mom raise me to just BE this way???
Now there's no prom for me to go to.
It's too late to be popular in high school or college
Now I could have married the sexiest man on the planet
Had I done this earlier, my whole life would have been different!! I've missed my life!!!
I've missed my life AND now I'm stuck eating chicken breast forever.

I think I can answer most of these questions with just a little simple gratitude and good sense--I don't know if this will help, but it won't hurt.

Mom came from wartime Germany. She DID fix healthy, normal dinners. True, there weren't many veggies, and Mom and Dad had NO idea of sports, but I really wasn't very overweight despite all that. I only thought that I was. It isn't Mom's fault that I live in a world where ridiculous food is constantly being advertised and offered to me. There isn't anybody to blame here. This is a weakness--but everyone has weaknesses, if it wasn't food, it would certainly be something else just because none of us is perfect.

I missed prom. More than that, I missed dating a lot in general. This has FAR less to do with weight than it did with self-confidence. Jana, was heavier than I was and she was one of the most popular girls in school. Being overweight wasn't all bad--I hope I grew up to be a little more thoughtful than a flighty party-girl. I think I would have just liked the option to have been a party girl and feel cheated that I wasn't. But am I a party girl really?  a little bit. But fun for me is more being on vacation, or curling up with a great book or starting a new craft. I've NEVER liked small talk and I HATE peer pressure and jr. high politics. I think that would have been the same at any weight. I really just don't care that much about hair and clothes. I might have cared a little more if I had felt prettier, but I bet not that much more. ALSO--who says I would have been all that pretty or popular had i been thinner? I've never known what to do with my hair. There were lots of skinny unpopular girls. I can't blame weight for not having been popular. Note--maybe I was more popular than I give myself credit for.

Marry the sexiest man. UGH! My life would have been miserable had I married Stu or any of his self-centered look alikes. Not all good looking guys are self centered of course. I'm in a marital rut right now. Dave IS very good looking and smart and does dishes and laundry. He isn't very outgoing or openly friendly. Okay. Is that so terrible? No! He's a sweetheart who will help anybody. I can match him fault for fault anytime---probably beat him too. This is a pure case of the "grass is always greener." He's very patient with me and I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. It's the old regret that I didn't date a million guys. But Catherine's roommates ARE dating a million guys, and truly, I don't think I missed that much.

I missed my life!!  Baloney. I've had and continue to have the most amazing life. The only thing I've missed is being a Bimbo. I'd like to think that if I had been thinner I would have had more confidence and that would have translated into better grades, a better job and being a better person in general. Not so. My best friend was thin, beautiful and popular and she married straight out of high-school and had 5 kids. Yuck. I served a mission, went to college, and traveled all over the world. I would never trade lives. Maybe God put me in the circumstances to be given a weight problem to protect me from the bimbo aspect of myself and give me the opportunity to have an amazing life. It's okay to lose weight now so I can continue to have an amazing life.

I'll be stuck eating chicken breast forever. No. But I do need to consistently eat less than I do and it's true I have not resolved this happily. But that's not a past regret. It's a current one. But I like to cook, and I like healthy receipes. This is a big plus. I even like to exercise somewhat another big plus. I need to work on gratitude to conquer greed. Nobody ever talks about greed anymore. I need to hear messages on this.

THERE. It's safe to lose weight. I haven't missed my life and my husband is a dear who will support me 100%.

1. That I can skip class tonight and go to bed early.
2. That C was able to get to the dollar store for me.
3. That Ashley was a pleasant appt after all.
4. clementines
5. The institute Christmas lunch--so festive!
6. That I'm done seeing students today!
7. For fantasy artists
8. For airconditioning
9. For central heat
10. For running water esp hot--we didn't have it in Japan
11. For handy invention like scissors and zippers
12. The art of James Christensen and his puzzles
13. For the upcoming amazing disney legos
14. That Catherine can drive
15. German decorating--geraniums and white lace curtains
16. The great brain books
17. Shaun the Sheep
18. So glad for a long weekend.
19. That Dan fixed my printer settings today
20. Mom's rocky picture in my office

Little snow

So much to be thankful for today! I'm still not in a very good place with food, but I feel a little better overall. I seem to work by opposites. I saw some people today that are a little heavier than I am and  have put on a little more weight besides. No thanks. I just don't want to do that. I'm also wondering about the wisdom of almost anything from the medical/diet community.  I read a good post about dieting myths, and another about what the real culprits of weight gain are. Are they milk and butter and meat that people have been eating for centuries with no problem? Or are they all the new processed foods and sugar and less exercise? Hmmmmmm.   This makes me wonder about two diet "facts" water and breakfast. I have no problem drinking a lot of water, but do I really need to stress about it? I don't think so. People didn't used to carry water bottles with them everywhere. The first thing people lose is always water weight---would that be because we're carrying around too much water?  Just a thought. I'm not planning on cutting back on water. I don't worry about it too much, and I think I'll keep not worrying. The other "fact" is breakfast. Yes, I know I need it to boost my metabolism and it's been proven that people who eat breakfast weigh less. But not everybody is the same. Often, I'm not really hungry for breakfast (Unless I'm dieting), I eat it because I'm "supposed" to and everyone tells me that I should. But I'm like Hollie in that way. Once I start eating, it's game on and I don't want to stop. Might it not be better to delay the start? I think I'm going to experiement with less or no breakfast (assuming that I really don't want anything just then). Does that really make me voraciously hungry later? If not, and I don't miss it, then that's at least 300-500 calories less everyday without effort.

I missed posting yesterday, but it should be easy to think of things I'm grateful for.

1. That the car is running so beautifully!!!
2. That it isn't leaking oil!
3. That I could go to Provo yesterday and get Catherine
4. That Catherine might be making a little medical headway
5. That she really wanted to see me.
6. That I got to do some Christmas shopping in the bookstore and art museum.
7. That we got to go Thanksgiving grocery shopping and buy so many wonderful things.
8. That I have Wednesday off to cook
9. That the weather on the way to Provo was clear
10. That although it rained on the way home, it wasn't torrential and I have good tires and felt safe.
11. That the weather was perfect for the drive to SLC today.
12. That Riley did fine in the Primary Program.
13. That Lisa fixed us a delicious lunch
14. For the funny kids in the program
15. For Lisa's good lesson that inspired me to set some real harp goals.
16. That my psych paper is at 88% so the rewrite should definintely put me in the A range.
17. That we're going to POLAND this summer!!
18. That Dave is back safe
19. That the radio didn't work yesterday so I could practice my talk
20. That I got to cuddle Catherine while watching Sherlock yesterday

1. That Catherine is becoming my best friend ever
2. Our new Christmas Shaun the sheep video
3. The cute wooden trees we bought at the expo.
4. The AMEX card that allows us disasters like the car
5. For a break from nursery today
6. For the video that Lisa showed her class
7. For the loveable people in our ward
8. That I can sing
9. That none of us have to go anywhere far this week
10. For sunday naps
11. That personal peace is possible
12. Lysine for cold sores
13. That our time on this earth is limited
14. Nutella
15. dips and spreads
16. My book of victorian mysteries
17. Dorothy Gilman
18. calulators
19. Morgan, and her love of the Lord
20. Our new SSC shirts.

Stupid and addictive

I came very close to doing something stupid yesterday and ordering a quack diet pill. Those things are so tempting. The rationale for me is, "Who cares if it's a little dangerous? Being overweight is dangerous!"  But no. I did some internet research and of course there's no real research. Disappointing. If there were a pill I'd buy it like that. I'm not in a very good place with food just now. I'm frustrated and over-full. Here's one problem. Yesterday after the big lunch, I was full. But I WANTED to be hungry for dinner so I could eat rolls and dipping sauces and bacon. Tonight too. I have a totally free night. I even walked home from work early to pick up the car to pick up the newly fixed car, so I can drive home and not feel guilty. I'm going to put up the outdoor Christmas tree and do a little cleaning and Thanksgiving planning, but mostly I'm going to kick back and watch Sherlock. AND I want food with this. I want to be hungry and I want to satisfy that hunger with something appealing like mall greek food, or maybe Zupas, or maybe costa vida. I don't know, but I don't want anything reasonable. In the back of my mind I think I was fantasizing about my pregnancy eating. That was intuitive and I lost a TON of weight ---or at least 30 pounds very quickly. I figured out that I can't do that. I'm not pregnant and not nauseous and my appetite is back to it's normal voraciousness. When I was losing weight being pregnant I probably was eating 1200 cal or less. It's what my body AND mind wanted then. My mind now wants more like 5,000 cal a day and my body is saying, "Sure, bring it on." I CAN'T diet. Literally. Sure I could go back to my program and that's going to last how long? It's still tempting, because it's much more agreeable to me then weight watchers was and I did lose weight on weight watchers. Could I lose even more on my plan before I self-destruct? Can I stick to it long enough to actually hit maintenance? I'm I approaching the "I'm so fed up with being fat that I'll do anything?"  Yes.  I often wonder if I had done something more reasonable than the Diet Center in college if I would have succeeded? I got quite far, but it was a ridiculous program. If weight watchers was anything realistic would I have gotten farther last time? i don't know.

Wow---many hours later. Not sure what happened. Whatever it was it was the voice of pure addiction. Full blown mind freeze automaton behavior. I was moderately hungry. I went to Costa Vida and got a sweet pork quesadilla with double sour cream and guac and chip and salsa AND queso dip. Took it home, and finished the first episode of Sherlock and all of the quesadilla and a good half of the chips. I'm stuffed, but I want a reeses cup too. What is this?? I seriously considered trying my plan again in January which does several things. Undermines any trust that I have in myself that I can even stick to a plan NOT to diet, while giving me relief that the problem will be addressed soon while still allowing me to eat like a pig tonight and all the next month. This is wholly impervious to logic. What am I trying to do? Gain as much as I possibly can--maybe as a buffer so that even if I lose weight I'll still not go below what I'm comfortable with? Whoa. Gotta explore THAT thinking. What's so scary about being normal weight? Do I really think I'll suddenly be Sandra Bullock knockout gorgeous? I'm 50 years old! But I do have nice proportions. I will look a lot better. Am I afraid of being discontented? Why? I can do anything I want. More, if I'm normal weight.

More thinking about that later. For now, there is LOTS to be grateful for today

1. The car is fixed!!
2. I can drive it to Provo tomorrow and get my girl!
3. She doesn't have to have exploratory surgery
4. We can go Thanksgiving shopping together.
5. Christine sent an email today
6. The car has new tires, so even if it rains/snows I should be ok.
7. Daves plane arrives at the most convenient possible time.
8. Last night's lecture was interesting
9. Fun books at the library today
10. I didn't feel like spending a million dollars at Deseret Book
11. The Ogden temple is open
12. Jill said yes to the office Christmas tree.
13. Chris Marx has a new grandbaby and seems to be recovering from her weber disaster
14. Printing out the banners for Major Fest won't be that hard
15. Beautiful warm day! I walked to work and set up the outside tree
16. My addiction, while bad, could be sooo much more dangerous
17. Wise books/people that help me to understand/forgive Christine
18. That I kept track of everyone's donation so I could easily refund it yesterday
19. That I feel needed in this world
20. That "A Christmas Carol" was checked in so I can use it for my talk.

The first good enough lunch

Oh dear--I did indeed plot out a good enough homemade roll lunch. All I can say is that it works out to be a WHOLE lot less than I ate yesterday. Sigh. I wish I didn't want so much. Unless I'm recovering from the flu, I just plain want too much. Oh well---carry on, carry on, carry on and try not to mind too much that none of my clothes fit? Breakfast today was fine, I wasn't hungry so I only had a banana and a little oJ and a string cheese. Had a good workout in kettlebells. Lunch?

It was an appreciation buffet. Salad, pasta, bread stick, and really good chocolate cake. Control? Are you kidding? The only control was peer pressure and it didn't exert much influence. I wonder if left to myself I would have chosen differently? It would have been at least equally bad---two breadsticks for a starter, but I might have had smaller portions and 2 pieces of cake. Or maybe the same portions and two pieces of cake? Maybe it's good my co-workers were there. We'll see what happens for dinner. Dave is out of town so I don't even have to pretend to have good sense.

Since Pizza is an obvious Friday night regular meal, I will sit down and work out a "Good Enough" version of this. "Good Enough" here is going to be 800 cal.

1. That Dave is in San Antonio safely
2. The enrollment services appreciation lunch--nice surprise--nice cake
3. Craft stores
4. Internet White pages
5. That I don't seem to have downloaded a virus
6. hershey's kisses
7. Calorie guides
8. thin lenses for glasses
9. That I know right from wrong (generally at least!)
10. ear muffs
11. I'm hugely humbled when I go to Make-A-Wish and see the kids' wishes and realize that I have done almost all of them. My life is rich
12. That I've gotten to sing with the Tabernacle choir
13. That I made chorale in high school--it meant a lot to me.
14. That corsets are no more
15. For inspiring students
16. That I didn't have to be a first gen college student--hard road!
17. At the moment, that I don't live in Buffalo
18. warm blankets
19. That i haven't been too sleepy today despite weird sleep last night
20. The live turkeys while I worked at ACT