490 the other direction

Danger, danger! I feel fat. My favorite Hawaii t-shirt was a little tight across the chest last night. NOT ok. But I have been having some new thoughts. I need to be careful not to freak out when I go in a good direction. The IE program emphasized eating whatever because often people have trouble with that. I think I have slightly less trouble eating chocolate or going to buffets than others might. But since IE is emphasizing eating freely--I need to be ok with the idea of NOT eating a lot if my body doesn't want it. Sometimes when I eat lightly or not at all (I haven't allowed this to happen often) a part of me freaks out--"OH NO! I'M GOING INTO DIET STARVATION MODE!! MY METABOLISM IS GOING TO CRASH!! or, even more common "I'M BEING DEPRIVED!!! I'M MISSING OUT!!! QUICK!! EAT AS MUCH AS I CAN SO I'M NOT DEPRIVED!!!" Not that I think any of this consciously--it just a powerful driving feeling that "I MUST EAT!!" IE suggests that that powerful drive will diminish if I will just refrain from dieting. Ok. I must also beware of "psuedo dieting"--that is saying that I'm eating intuitively, but really making my food decisions based on food police rules. Right now, I don't think I can distinguish between the food police and just not wanting food, or just making a decision because it's a healthy choice that I don't mind making. Whenever anything smacks of eating less or,heaven forbid a small amount, the inner sirens go off. Here's a major siren, "IF I EAT TOO LITTLE MY BODY WILL LEARN TO LIVE ON TINY AMOUNTS AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT A BIG MEAL AGAIN WITHOUT GAINING A TON OF WEIGHT!!!!--QUICK!!! EAT SOME MORE!!!"

489 some pros and cons

Okay---lets see how intuitive eating stacks up against regular dieting--at least in my own twisted mind.

IE In some ways MUCH harder than a regular diet. Right now, on a regular diet I'd just be eating the pretzels with veggie cream cheese dip that I brought to work. With IE I'm having to wait until I'm hungry. I also have to deal with what I'm really feeling--do I have the munchies because I don't want to call my sister? Probably. Solution---call my sister. Then wait till I'm hungry, then eat what I want.

I actually LOVE this. Working through this type of thing IS the problem. These emotions ARE the problem. The solution of fixing the real problem, while eating as I need to feels like REAL progress, not just artificial diet "I hope I can hang on" progress.

Problem! I'm not at all sure this is going to work!!!! I'm not one of these people who claim to "eat so much" while actually eating 1/2 a salad. I really can put it away and I enjoy doing so. Also, I believe that the body really does have a "set point" and you have to override this pretty consistently to get the body to move in either direction. Thank goodness--that's why I haven't put on a bunch of weight in spite of my many "exceptions". The thing is though, that I've been pretty good about going back to WW after the "exception". I know the "exceptions" won't decrease in frequency--I'm afraid they won't decrease in amount either--and if I don't reign my eating in in between times...then I'm in big trouble.

IE--it DOES work even with me--at least to some extent. I did the classic IE thing in about 8 years ago in Cedar Rapids. I got competely fed up with the idea of a diet, and gave up. I decided not to worry about it--that I would only do something healthy if that was what I truly wanted to do. It worked--I lost 20 pounds. The catch? It took me 5 years to lose that 20 pounds! The bigger catch. I stopped there. It wasn't until I joined weight watchers at the beginning of this blog that I lost another 20. However---I wasn't using all the ideas of intuitive eating. I wasn't actively searching out my hunger and full signals or looking for ways to cope other than eating. Perhaps that's why my weight loss froze?

Diets. Dave lost 50 pounds on weight watchers. He's kept it off for about 5 years, but it's crept back on--galloped back rather than crept in this last year. It's hard not to think "well, he should have just been a bit more careful and caught the weight gain early on" Also, there are people like Sean of 505 lb fame who seem to be able to diet and successfully lose it for keeps.

However--I DON'T want to live like Sean! Monitor every single calorie for the rest of my life? Especially at the 1500 cal level???!!! NO THANKS!! Richard Simmons is another "success" story--except that I don't want to live his lifestyle either. Also--I've got about 40 years of evidence that no matther how much I may want to I can't stick with a diet long enough to get where I want to be.

I do have a little bit more IE evidence. Thanksgiving. I never stuff myself to bursting. It is the one day when I really give myself total carte blance to eat and I never binge. This has limited value though---for while I don't eat everything--I DO probably eat at least 5,000 calories. So it's not something I'd want to do every day. Although I'd like to. Another time Dad took me to Las Vegas for a week with buffets at every meal. Sure enough--by the last day I went to a fabulous buffet and ate a small slice of roast beef and a little cottage cheese and didn't even look at the dessert bar. I was just plain stuffed. I expected to gain a bunch of weight but I didn't gain any at all! In fact, I think I even lost a pound or two. However, I think that was partly due to being young. Fast forward 15 years or so and I went on a 7 day cruise. Again I ate freely with total abandon. Although I couldn't quite manange to eat much at the midnight buffet, that was the only time I didn't eat much on that cruise. The only reason I pooped out at midnight was because I'd already eaten a five course dinner that included steak, lobstor, quail, a mountain of sides, and a chocolate melting cake AND the nightly special dessert. Anyway--I gained 8 pounds on that 1 week cruise. The good news was that I lost it right away--but that's not because of any native intuitive eating virtue. It's because I simply don't have the means to fix all that food for myself every single day. I loved the buffets. I'm not at all sure that if I lived on a cruise ship that I would ever top out. I think I could happily eat my way to 400 pounds plus given half a chance. That makes me very nervous about intuitive eating.

488 An example

I think I forgot to check my feelings today when I ate. I know I'm still partially eating just because I can. I don't entirely trust myself yet not to pull the rug out from under myself and go back on a diet. Maybe tomorrow I'll have some more time to list out the pros and cons--or rather the "proofs" I have from my own life on the pros and cons of both dieting and intuitive eating. I know they both work somewhat at least and intuitive eating is sure a lot more pleasant. Anyway--as promised, I took a snack to church--but this week I don't think I needed it. I ate it anyway. Next time I'll do better. I'll take the snack and eat it if I need it. At least I'm not eating more than I would otherwise, and there are a few interesting things to note---I still didn't want the leftover calzone. I'm taking it to work for lunch tomorrow, but more because it's easy, than because I'm dying for it.

Good example yesterday of what this is supposed to look like. Our hostess at the BBQ drank water instead of lemonade--I should have done that too--I prefer water, lemonade is too sweet, and she left half of her steak. No way I would have done that, I really wanted that steak, but Becky is much smaller than I am. Perhaps when I'm that small, I won't want so much steak either. Maybe. It was really good steak.

487 too full

I think I might rediscover good old-fashioned eating sense along this path. Last night for the Olympic opening ceremonies we ordered from the Pie Pizzaria--INCLUDING their fabulous cheesy bread. We also made salads and sat down to feast. I feasted and enjoyed every bite. I stopped after eating 2/3 of a calzone that was the size of the plate, four cheesy bread sticks (large) and all the salad. I wasn't overly full. 1/2 hour later I WAS overly full. Ah HA! Maybe that's why grandma always said to leave the table before I was full--because if I eat till I'm actually full at the table, I'll be TOO full shortly after.

Course, part of my problem is that I don't mind feeling too full. I like that feeling, and my lifestyle usually supports it--sitting on the couch watching the Olympics was just right. Sewing, reading, practicing the harp, doing any kind of craft, cooking, talking---all those things work just fine. Books always talk about feeling sluggish and bad after overeating. Sluggish--yes,probably, but bad? RARELY. I've been blessed with good health and I usually feel just fine.

I will admit though, that I had no desire for the rest of the calzone today. I still ate plenty, including a delicious steak at a friend's. Will I ever just get tired of food in general? I don't think so---especially if I'm waiting for hunger before I eat. That's what makes me nervous about trying to do this. One thing I can try is to do something more active after dinner---then I might notice more that being weighed down with food doesn't feel good.

486 Hungry?

Uh Oh. The headachy feeling yesterday isn't entirely gone and Dave is sick. And, just to borrow trouble whereever I can find it, I got to wondering what you do with intuitive eating if you're diabetic? It'd be just my luck to finally get a grip on the food issue, and then go diabetic (it runs in the family). But that kind of thinking is both unhelpful and ungrateful. God has been very good to me, and if diabetes IS in my future, it will only be because I have something to learn that will help me. SO---no more about that.

I don't have time to write much, so I'll just touch on a comment a reader made that I think will be very true in my case. She was saying that much of the program was about waiting. Specifically, waiting to become hungry and waiting for emotions to pass. I can already see that's true. I waited out my emotions yesterday. This morning, I wasn't in the least hungry. I waited until I was and still didn't eat much. I'm still not sure what to do about "taste hunger". We went to Zupas last night and it felt wonderful and satisfying. After my visits, I had some more homemade rocky road ice-cream. I'm not how to handle that intuitively. I can't imagine a time when I wouldn't want homemade ice-cream but yet, if I eat all I want at dinner I will never be actually hungry for it. Even if I were hungry--it would be foolish to try and satisfy real hunger with ice-cream--I'd have to eat gallons of it. Although...there is a big difference between what I was feeling last night, "rocky road ice-cream, SURE!" and a genuine craving for something. The past couple of months I haven't been able to get enough peanut butter cups--but that craving seems to be fading out. Still...this area will be troublesome I'm sure. Right now I'm having a slice of pound cake. Am I hungry? Yes..No...? Maybe? I certainly wasn't craving lemon pound cake until I saw it. But here it is, and here I am...so.....SURE!

485A afternoon munch

ok--this is going to be a very good thing. It's 3:45 in the afternoon and I want something to eat. Why? Good question! I'm plenty full from lunch. So why do I want to eat? What emotions are going on right now? I've got a few--brewing--none crisis level, but altogether...it's triggering the "I need to eat" signals. I'm tired, also headachy--I think I need to start taking Allegra again. I'm a little bored, I'm a little anxious because I sent an email to my sister--nothing big, but I've been enjoying a few family-free days and don't want that to stop, also balanced checkbook--sigh, also have a long night ahead--harp lesson I didn't practice enough for, a hot walk home (think I'll call Dave to rescue me), and two church visits at 7:00--one to an inactive stranger and one to a sister dealing with some major hostility issues (not directed at me). Lastly, I'm between books. I want to finish the Terry Pratchett, but I'm not really in the mood for it, I want to finish the Dick Francis which I love--but I've watched a lot of violence lately and I think I'm avoiding the dramatic bad guy show down that's coming.

Easier to eat than to stop and think what I'm feeling. But I'm glad I'm here in blogland thinking. Here's where weightwatchers breaks down. I have a 100 cal pack of popcorn here. On ww--no problem--I would eat it. But what would that solve? How will that teach me to manage being tired and unenthusiastic about my evening without food? Writing this has helped. My next appointment should be short. If it is, I'm giving myself what I really need--a brief nap.

485 finshed book

Well, I finished the book, "Intuitive Eating". The ending was disappointing--there were examples of success, but they were all extreme examples of recovering anorexics and bulemics. I guess the message was that if these people can recover, I can too--but I would have preferred more specific help things like "rare" eating. How do I go somewhere unique and not overeat when I know that I literally will never have the chance to eat this food again ever? Or even if it's not entirely unique but things like Christmas which only come once a year? I know I've answered those questions for myself many times in this blog, but I'd like more help.

Which brings up another "benefit" of being on a standard type diet--you know whether or not you're doing well!! I'm not really sure if yesterday went well or not and that's disconcerting to me.

Some of the other "benefits" the book brought up which I had never thought about are these. With a standard diet there is the excitement of hope. There's the excitment of results as measurable on the scale--especially at the beginning. There's the sense of belonging to the great American dieting group--everyone's on a diet. At the begining there's the self-esteem that comes from doing something about a problem--and it helps that I can point to that something which is concrete. Dieting also creates excitement about food--my favorite thing--I look forward to eating it. Also, there is the excitement of the "forbidden" foods. I never thought about that! I don't know how much I actually respond to the "forbidden" idea--I mean, I never eat just because it is forbidden--but there's no question that I eat BIG when I get a chance and really enjoy it because I don't know when I'll have another excuse to go to a restaraunt or have a big meal. Even failure on a diet is somewhat comforting--when I fail I have "permission" to indulge. Also, I've been overweight my whole life. This is the only reality I know and it's comfortable.

I'll be re-reading the principles of the book many times. Also working on the LDS 12 steps and some of the literature from over-eater's anonymous. Those work well with intuitive eating. OA especially talks about "abstinence" defined as not eating in an addictive way. I like that. There are many ways to eat cookies--sometimes I eat them in a normal way, other times I'm clearly escaping something and it isn't obvious just from my actions if I'm misusing those cookies. I think I'll try and write out anything I do that I'm pretty sure is a move in a positive direction as well as explore the fuzzier areas.

I took the book's advice yesterday and BOUGHT SOME CLOTHES THAT FIT. I've been going around in these gigantic capri's that I bought last year. I like the concept that respecting your body is respecting your body--so dress yourself however you like with clothes that fit you as you are now, not as you wish you were. That's why I haven't replaced these clothes long ago--I was on ww--I was sure to be thinner soon--why waste the money? It's funny the book mentions underwear specifically--I have some that are from 40 pounds ago. Time to get some new undies! I got 3 pairs of capris for summer. Tops were more difficult. I didn't buy any because I didn't want to buy any in an xlarge size. Silly. I know better than just about anyone that clothing sizes don't mean a thing--but when I first began fitting into plain large tops that was exciting and I vowed I'd never wear an x-large again. mmmmm--truth is, that it's a rare plain large that really fits. I'm kind of between sizes, but it's hard to eat my words. However, being the rebellious soul that I am, and life being what it is--I bet if I go ahead and buy some cute tops that fit now, I might not be wearing them long. Anyway, I'm at work in pants that fit and I feel slim and pretty rather than baggy and frumpy. It feels good.

Last night was a little on the fuzzy side. I knew I was hungry when I came home--so I had a banana muffin and some milk before shopping. I had been sort of planning all day to have some homemade rocky-road ice-cream because I could--so it's hard to know if I really wanted it or not when the time came. Well, yes, I wanted it--but that's because I might have called it quits on dinner too soon--I made stuffed portabellos--and I quit after eating one--not so much because I was full I think, but because I wanted to eat ice-cream without overeating, and I wanted one to take to work today. I think the result was that I had a much bigger bowl of ice-cream than I normally would have eaten. Maybe. I did also eat some crackers and cheese between dinner and the ice-cream just because I did think dinner was on the way light side. Fuzzy. I don't know whether I did well or not. Right now tho--I KNOW I'm doing well. I was a little hungry awhile ago and had an apple and a couple of fig newtons. Result was that I wasn't hungry for an earlier lunch. That was 45 minutes ago. I didn't just eat lunch on auto-pilot. My schedule allowed me to wait for hunger today and I did. NOW I'm hungry, and NOW I'm going to sign off here and have lunch.