299 The little things

I think I am, with extreme reluctance, getting more used to watching out for the little things.  Last night's dinner is good example.  I had fun with it. I had an appetizer night and fixed "buffalo" nuggets, zucchini crisps, deviled eggs, hummus and chips, potato skins, kimchee and veggies. It's sounds really fattening, but it wasn't every single item was made very light and healthy and it was satisfying--I couldn't help but think how much I would have liked to have added olives and bluecheese dressing and baguettes to the dinner, but each of THOSE things would have really racked up the fat and calories. I passed, and was just fine. Especially since TODAY I have baguette and olives as part of my lunch.

I'll be glad when the weather is a little warmer. I'm struggling with getting out and running--and opted out yesterday choosing to ride the bike instead. Today I'll be fine, because I have wellness time during work hours, but tomorrow needs some thinking---I want to go to SLC after work--I could drive up and then go to the gym for my 10 minute run, but I think the walk there and back is more beneficial than the run. I could walk AND do the run, but by the time I change clothes walk up to the gym and walk home...that's more time than I want to spend. But really---say 20 minutes to half an hour? Is that really going to derail my SLC effort? Probaby not, especially if I have dinner ready to go to eat in the car.

298 Pita Pit

How is it that I just now have discovered the Pita Pit? There's one right by the Smiths by our house.  We went out for lunch on Sat with Catherine, with the idea of trying to have a reasonbly healthy lunch so we wouldn't feel quite as guilty about dinner. The Pita Pit is GREAT!! I had a big mediterrainian and it was only about 350 cal. Add baked Lays--450 cal. and it was filling too!  Usually it takes about 600 cal for a meal to fill me up, but this was a good one.  It's nice to have this choice in addition to Subway.

297 fancy

This weekend hasn't been restful--today we went to SLC to hear my Mom speak. She did a nice job. But it has been a nice weekend just the same. Today was about perfect food-wise--and exercise-wise too since it's a day of rest. Dave made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, then I had a fancy lunch--tomato basil soup with a baguette brushed with olive oil with tomato and mozzarella balls and spinach drizzled with balsamic vinegar.  WONDERFUL.  Snack of hot chocolate and a fiber one chocolate peanutbutter bar. Dinner was meatloaf and mashed potatoes with pork and beans and veggies.  I made weightwatcher chocolate truffles (45 cal and 1 pt) and had 2 with some gingersnap cookies.  I've also finally got around to making the quick homemade kimchee (LOVE that spicy food) and some whole wheat bread. I can't wait to have cinnamon toast with a bowl of blueberries for breakfast. I just love luxury food.

I was wondering again this weekend what I would buy at the grocery store if neither money or health were an issue.  Fun fantasy--expensive cheeses and artisan breads for sure, real butter, nuts, salamis, olives, expensive mushrooms, berries, tomatoes, chocolates, fancy crackers with interesting spreads, those fattening frozen appetizers that I never buy. I wonder what my daily calorie count would be then?  I bet it was 8-10,000 a day when we went on our cruise...? Actually, though, I don't think I'd be that much of a glutton--well, maybe I would--I'd just be snacking on rich foods all day long. However, in my dream life I'd burn at least some of it off--hiking in gorgeous places, snorkeling--learning skills like archery, bowling, rowing, tai chi, sailing etc. Who knows? Maybe it would even itself out? The neat thing to think about though is that this life doesn't have to be wholly imaginary. I already do have all those goodies sometimes--I like to hike in the mountains here and I can always take a class in any sport if I really wanted to. As I look back on my life I can see how blessed I've been to do much of exactly what I dream of!

296 cold air and blueberries

Learned something this morning!  Today's run was only to be 5 minutes long. I was thinking that since the time is shorter, I would try to pick up the pace a bit. I forgot to reckon with the weather--it's in the 30's--a nice winter day, but I scorched my lungs the first minute and then the next 4 minutes were not very much fun.  Sill, I finished and that's what counts. Better still, I broke down yesterday and actually printed off some stretches.  I did them too.  I don't know why, but I just can't stand finding the time to stretch. I guess I just want to exercise and get it over, and not prolong things.  But with arthritis in both knees and pushing 50 years old, I'd better stretch--I've been feeling super stiff and tight all week, and yesterday when I jogged 10 min I felt as though I was flirting with injury. 

I did a good thing yesterday after work.  I stopped at Smith's to get some things for dinner and I had in mind to maybe buy some "no pudge" brownie mix (good stuff!). Instead I saw a big container of blueberries for $4. In my mind $4 for blueberries is prohibitively expensive.  $4 for cheese, or brownie mix is fine--but blueberries? Realizing that I was being completely irrational about the money I decided to splurge for once and got the blueberries. For dessert last night we had big bowls of blueberries with milk and splenda and a couple very little snickerdoodle cookies.

295 up

Oh crud. 187.  Up two pounds from last week.  Not good.  At least I'm holding steady in the 180's and that still feels really good to me. Tomorrow we're going to BYU--that means eating out. I think I"ll have Subways rather than J-Dawgs, but dinner will likely be a problem. It's not that restaraunt eating can't be done--it's just that I don't WANT to control myself at a restaraunt.  Rebel dieter for sure!!  I seem to be determined to lose weight while still hanging on to bad thinking and habits. Tomorrow aside, this coming week I'm keeping things down to 2,000 cal period.  If I'm dying, maybe I'll do a week of the simply filling plan. 

Today should be reasonable--but that's why I need to count. Reasonable yes, but weight loss reasonable? Doubt it. In fact, I'm feeling rebellious and mutinous. I just want to be done with the weight off. I don't want to keep working on something that I never wanted to work on in the first place.  Maybe that's one of the deep tap-roots of the problem.  I never wanted the problem, so I don't want to work on it. Childish and silly attitude maybe, but very real just the same.

Still---I may be slow, and stubborn and stupidly fighting--but darn it, I'm still down 21 pounds from where I was this time last year! The jeans I'm wearing today are problematic because they are loose, and I'm working hard on exercise.

I'm going to try to cut myself a lot of slack---not by way of overeating, but by way of trying not to be so hard on myself for failing over and over and over and over. All the difficulties of weightloss aside, this has been a hard year by any standards. I got a daughter through the end of highschool and sent off to college. I'm still new at my job. My mother came down with a severe form of cancer, my father is falling to pieces in catastrophic ways, my sister's drug problem is coming to a crisis. I have a major calling in my church.  Maybe I'm doing well to be making ANY kind of progress at all. Most importantly, I haven't quit, and I'm not going to quit. I have my eye on being able to run a 5K--not walk it, JOG it. If counting the calories doesn't produce results then I'll go back to WW and maybe be there with a little more respect for the program. It's the turtle that won the race after all.  It's just that today I feel like a turtle with three legs and foot problems.

294 Scale Games

I confess I play games with the scale.  Tomorrow is my official weigh morning, but just as a way to prepare for the worst, I got on the scale last night just before bed and after drinking who knows how much all day long plus eating an ice-cream cone. 187. This was exciting because it was at night.  So I get up this morning and the scale is still 187.  Aw phooey.  But I have a good day planned---not a very carefully measured one, but a good one none-the-less.  We finally ate the bean soup I had made and it was very good. So good I brought it back for lunch today. I'll be eating it with a piece of naan and cheese and olives. Totally satisfying and reasonably calorie friendly even with the cheese.  This is the sort of thing I need to be on the watch for--sometimes it's only a difference of 100 calories or so of just the right thing that makes all the difference between feeling just ok, but wishing I could eat more and being totally and completely satisfied.

Calorie-wise I need to tighten things up. A 2,000 max is doable and I hope will help me not do so many silly things.

I've also decided that I do not carry my weight well. I've always thought I did, but I've been frustrated putting up pictures from my Hawaii trip. I swear in some shots I look just as fat as I did at 228!!

293 Camel

These last few days I've been drinking water like a camel. I feel stubborn like a camel too.  I didn't do very well with food yesterday despite being fabulous about the exercise (ran 10 min without stopping! Plus strength training and walking to and from work--in the snow on the way up even). Still, I went and wrote it all out at the end of the day so I could know just how badly things had gone. Nothing all that dreadful--2,600 odd calories. Course that's more than Sean eats even on Thanksgiving day, but I think he's overly restrictive (1,500 cal).  Anyway, it was all good nourishing food, but it's not good being out of control. And today is shaping up in a similar way.  The plan is to take Christine out for ice-cream.  That is easily managed calorie-wise, but so far I'm not managing it. I had a good breakfast--cream of wheat with berries and 2 slice bacon. But lunch was pizza, which is marginal, with an apple and carrots (good). I was still hungry so I ate my snack of wasa crisps and laughing cow cheese right away (ok). But I wanted chocolate--so I hate 1/2  a twix bar and a peanut cluster (Huh?).  Why could I not pass this up full well KNOWING that I'm going to have full fat yummy ice-cream tonight? Why does that justify eating more in the afternoon rather than less?