210 Halloween

Thank goodness again for this blog. It helps even when I'm half-hearted about it. The marathon soreness is just beginning to wear off. I'm determined to do more--I can see why these things are addicting. The sense of accomplishment is terrific. Food-wise, I've been off track--the most off track I've been yet in this journey.  But even that is good---I've been coming face to face with restaraunts lately and and find that not only do I come away defeated, but I don't even wish to fight!

But this I can work with and on. Thanks to the marathon I am still at 189 despite Olive Garden and Lisa's Halloween party. Okay. What am I so afraid of missing out on? Do I really think I'll never visit the Olive Garden again? Or can never buy another treat?  When Dave goes to Boston before Thanksgiving, I am planning to go to the Cheesecake factory in SLC, because I'll be alone (therefore 1 meal is comparatively cheap), and because I didn't get to enjoy it very much in Denver. I want to order the buffalo bites again.  This is good to think about--I went to the Cheesecake factory in Houston once and that was all for over 10 years. Restaurants close, or I move--there is no Old Chicago in Ogden.  So there is a strong element of rarity--better enjoy it now because I can never get it again, an element of celebration, and also an element of diet-free relief---"I'm not going to worry about ww tonight---I can have what I want!" All of these feelings are powerful.

One thing that might help is exercising heavily in the morning--I'm not actually prepared to do this yet, but on Saturday, we went to Goodwood BBQ--and I didn't even care. I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't very hungry at Lisa's party either.  I don't think I need to run 10 miles every morning, but I bet if I did I wouldn't want to eat as much as I do now. So,  you'd think I made good decisions Saturday? NO. I ate less than I might have, but still way too much very high carb/calorie stuff. Why? Because psychologically I could. Saturday might have been a day when I could have used intuitive eating principles to my advantage and not eaten much because I didn't want much.  I'd love to drop ww and go to intuitive eating all the way, but I know I'm not ready. It's still too hard to stop eating when the food is too good or the occasion demands it.

OK--today is Halloween---I'm exusing myself from exercise because honestly, just getting out of the chair is a major effort.  We had a potluck at work and I thoroughly enjoyed the crakers and cheeseballs--my weakness, but I also ate a lot of veggies. I'm not planning on a huge pigout tonight. I'll have one or two reeses peanutbutter pumpkins (have already had a small one here) and call it good.  Tomorrow I'll go back to counting properly and still keep working working working on this problem. I'm still ok--but I won't remain ok unless I take a firm grip on myself IMMEDIATLEY!!

209 Another Half!

Provo Halloween Half Marathon is run and done!! My knees did just great!!! I'll be writing a thank you cards to the therapists at Ogden Clinic. Catherine did simply terrific finishing in about 3:20--she says she "wogged" it. Half run half jog. My friend Jane and I definitely walked although we did jog little bits here and there. We finished at about 3:50. This marathon has a steep down hill the first 5 miles--people have lost toenails over it--my toenails are fine, but the insides between my toes are a massive pile of blisters.  Both me and Catherine are walking like zombies today, but we are proud zombies.

208 meh

Wow, I'm really in a slump. Not a going bananas kind of slump, but a --I'm going to eat out this weekend so it's hard to even care kind of slump. To compound the blah feeling I was watching the "Eat this, Not That" segment on the Today show.  Sheesh. Again, no wonder I have a weight problem. They showed this tiny little pan pizza, it had about 2500 cal-and enough fat and salt to equal 64 pieces of bacon. A modest serving of buffalo wings from Outback was almost equally deadly. It makes me feel as though I can't go to a restaraunt and eat anything I might want--I'm forever supposed to ask for broiled chicken and steamed veggies. Of course that's not true, but it feels true. And I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place--I WANT to go to Olive Garden--I don't particuarly want to ingest 3,000 calories of fat, but neither do I want to skip the breadsticks or skip what I want.

206 regaining control

Trunk or treat not bad. I could have done without the second muffin, but otherwise I was moderate and there wasn't much candy to get a hold of.  I feel better today because I was back down 2 pounds--hooray for exercise. I'm still kind of in an irritated non-tracking mood, but luckily, I've been plugging away at this long enough that I my auto-pilot mode is not too far off track.  Let's see---for breakfast I had a bowl of kashi cereal and milk (8 pts), for lunch a taco salad with about 3 pts of meat, 3 of cheese and a 3 pt plain bun. snacking a bit out of control--a 3 pt ww popcorn, a piece of chocolate, a sixlet candy, and a 2 pt mini snickers bar. Now I'm eating my planned snack--of 1/2 cup fiber cereal and a banana.  For dinner i made a ravioli with pumpkin alfredo out of the cooking light magazine. Didn't figure out the points, but Ihave a rough idea of what the ravioli is worth and I won't pig out. The two pounds helps me feel as though it's worth making the effort. I'll track better tomorrow and friday during the day. I just wish I could eat at Olive Garden without consequences darn it!

205 the ebb and flow

Maybe one of the real secrets of losing weight is simply not quitting altogether when one is feeling unmotivated.  Right now I'm unmotivated--I need to remember that it's natural, nobody is going to be 100% motivated all the time the motivation will come back--all I need to do is to not throw away the good things I've done, and when I feel fired up again, down I'll go! Well, hopefully, I'll go down before that. Part of the problem is my statistics class---it's hard and I'm tired of it. But my goodness! It will be over in just over a month--that's not long at all!! and the horrible lab will go away too!! But still, the class is blotting the sun on my horizon and it feels eternal even though the end is in sight.  Losing weight is a problem because the end is NOT in sight. Never has been. But that's ok--it's a lifestyle I'm working on.  And I haven't been horrible, just tired and sloppy. Yesterday was sloppy, because I went visiting teaching and Bro. Hawkins served up some chili.  I hadn't planned on chili for dinner, but it was good and I was thinking of having popcorn when I got home. I did. And some deli meat and cheese and olives too. Nothing horribly high point, but still a little out of control. Tonight is more chili---the ward trunk or treat. Luckily things like doughnuts and cupcakes don't tempt me too much. Reeses cups and almond joy bars are another story, but even if I get a hold of that it will only be a fun size.

204 take it back

Okay, I take it back. 191 AGAIN. And I am a little discouraged. The very real part of me that wants to quit is SHREIKING "You haven't made any progress since JUNE!!!!".  Which is sort of true. I'm trying to remember what's also true---ahem---I've spent far more time down in the 180's than 190's in the last month. I can exercise again. Some things are becoming a little easier.  And so what if I have been sitting at 191 for months? Is that the worst thing? (YES!) No!!!!  I worked hard to get there--it's still a spectacuarly low weight for me--best in 20 years! And I've been maintaining it. OK. Deep breath. Keep fighting. This battle will take some time. It might take two or three years and that's ok because I'm changing my spirit along with my body.  I don't seem to be willing yet to compromise much with restaraunt food. I want what I want what I want.  This weekend I have the 1/2 marathon--which also means dining out the night before and right afer--then there is Lisa's Halloween party--I think I can be reasonable at the party. If nothing else I might not be willing to move from my chair to the table to get seconds. But I AM willing to fight between restaraunts. Maybe if I accept that I really love restaraunts.  I can begin to loosen my strangle hold grip on restaraunts---we do eat out a whole lot less than we used to thanks to the economy, but I really need to deal with going out and how to make better choices without feeling deprived.

Ummmmmmmm------coming up blank. I want to go to Olive Garden on Friday. I want the steak and gorgonzola, lots of breadsticks, salad and probably dessert. First off, this is perfectly ok to have. It's only not ok if I eat a massive lunch the next day and pig out at Lisa's party too.  I don't know what I'll feel like after the marathon or where we'll go--but I think I can maybe make ok choices if I feel good about Olive Garden first--I'll probably want protein and that's good. Plus, there's a good chance I might not be that hungry. Extreme exercise kills my appetite. There are such things as take out containers. I'll have Catherine remind me of that.

203 Hike the Y!

Back after a fun weekend at BYU with Catherine. It is such an amazing place. So much about it is world class, it's just exciting to be there and wonderful that Catherine is there now too.  I met with the therapist on Friday morning and he sent me home with a big wrap around brace--I don't know what I expected the brace to look like, but I was expecting something more important looking. Doesn't matter---that brace worked!! I could feel that it was holding my knee where it was supposed to be--so I could walk and climb stairs and do everything without worrying!  It made all the difference!!!!  I walked all over on Friday and on Saturday I hiked the Y--about 2.5 miles round trip but really steep.  I was worried about the downhill part but I did just fine!! Today I'm taking it easy, but tomorrow I will put the brace on and walk to work. YAY!!  Food-wise....JDawgs and Awful waffle were great.  It's somehow fitting that one of the places where I used to live now serves waffles were one can order a half a stick of butter as a side!!  YIKES!  I passed on the extra butter, figuring the nutella was sin enough.  The luau was a big let down food wise. Mediocre carbs carbs and more carbs.  I've got to learn to quit eating mediocre food--it's one thing to ingest a bunch of calories because something is wonderful and I'm truly enjoying it. It's another thing altogether to eat a bunch and not even get any pleasure out of it.  I should have simply had the chocolate cake and been done with it.  I was afraid to get on the scale today--I'm sure the exercise didn't compensate for the food, but I will tomorrow and not lose heart. The marathon is back on track and so am I. It's easy to slip back into good habits. Almost a relief.  A pancake for breakfast, a wrap for lunch, and a potroast for dinner and fresh baked cinnamon pull a-parts for dessert.  I still miss big chunks of cheese, but by and large I can live like this.