Gratitude

Very happy to be starting the intuitive eating program! There are some technical difficulties, but I can at least get going in the main. The idea is to get as many points as possible. For the first 4 weeks you lose points for eating list off the "Limit" list--ie: junk food. I'm not worrying too much about the limit list this week because our house is stuffed with Christmas things. But I AM going to limit the candy and junk and make sure I eat all the healthy stuff and do my best to stop when I'm full---come to think of it, I probably could have eaten less pizza for lunch. Oh well. Healthy dinner tonight! One of the things that earns me points is to list at least 5 things every day to be grateful for. Here goes: 1. My new calling as gospel doctrine teacher. I'm really excited about it! 2. That Catherine did not need an MRI for her hip. 3. My wonderful Christmas presents--especially the sensi and the buddha board. 4. THat my Ellery Queen mystery is good. 5. That Weber has a fast ILL system. 6. That Catherine is picking up on stick shift driving very quickly. 7. THat my new class sounds like fun. 8. That today hasn't been too horrifically busy at work.

Taking responsibility

Very excited about the prospect of the eat-to-liv program!! I think it's really going to help me to tune into my best self. Best of all, Dave and Catherine are doing it with me. Nice too, the program officially starts on Jan 7, our official Christmas Day this year, but the points to earn don't count toward prizes this first week--so we can relax on Christmas day and start changing habits on Jan. 8. I also like how the "limited foods" drop off after the 4th week. Hopefully, by then I'll be a bit more ready to be responsible about cakes and bacon.

Anyway---I was thinking about responsibility and how and why I avoid it with food. Somewhere deep inside I really think I believe that eating is bad. Somehow ALL eating is verboten, even though I know that's silly. Lately, I've had some healthy snacks here at work but I'm having the hardest time giving myself permission to eat them. Somehow the thought that I can and really should do without them is very loud. HOWEVER, I HAVE been way overindulging on the junk food! Why doesn't that come with any alarms? The odd analogy that comes to mind is teenages and condoms. I'm told (and I think this is very valid) that often teenagers don't use condoms, because to do so means they have to pause and actually admit to themselves what they are doing as opposed to "just letting it happen." That's exactly what I think is happening with me and food. If I go to the fridge and eat my soup which I know is about 100 cal and filling and healthy--I have to admit to myself what I'm doing. I am officially "eating." If I go to the fridge and load up a plate with goodies--that is NOT officially eating because it isn't a deliberate meal and it isn't even a deliberate snack--because I honestly don't snack that irresponsibly. That plate of goodies is a sort of limbo food. Not emotionally tallied.

Perhaps one reason that the intuitive eating program is calling me so strongly is that I sense that I need to lift that taboo about food. Even I need to eat! It is a NEED a NEED a NEED--like breathing air. It is NOT a bad behavior, it is a necessary one!

Happy 2013!

January 1st! Have I exercised like mad? Have I recommitted to weight watchers? Have I decided to get rid of this problem once and for all? I have NOT. Not that I don't want the weight problem to be behind me. I do, but never, never, never will I formally diet again. What I AM going to do though is a six week eat to live challenge that hopefully will help me jolt out of my auto-intake mode. It's sponsored by my friend's sister who is a dietician and a big intuitive eating person. It sounds just right. Catherine's coming home too, and I think she wants to lose a little Disney weight too. We can cheer each other on. Exercise is the current challenge because it's been SO cold! In the 20's and less. Much too cold for even walking, let alone running. A couple of general thoughts. If I have any healthy resolution this year, it is this---I want to exercise as much as I can and eat to nourish my body as best I can. The second thought comes from the scriptures and is simply to "Not run faster than I have strength". I'm taking that literally in running and also in changing my food habits. The bad habits are powerful and true change only comes through patience and persistence. Change won by patience and persistence is permanent--change that comes by going faster than I'm really prepared to go--ie: 29 points on WW, comes right back on, because I was never changed in my heart.

Another Hour!!

AAACK!!! I completely forgot that I have to work an extra hour tonight!! NOOOOOO!!! Happily, the thing that's making me upset is that this is going to seriously infere with the exercise I have planned. I'm all excited to go home and do just dance for an hour or so. Now it will be maybe 1/2 hour if I'm lucky and dinner?? I have a meeting at 7 that I don't want to go to and now I feel particulary put upon.

I'm also thinking of experiementing with combining weightwatchers and intuitive eating. Because of weight watchers, I've become accustomed to eating just one pancake on Sunday mornings. It's enough. Of course I could eat a whole stack, but one is really enough and I did it for long enough on WW that I actually have some "pancake" brakes. A good thing! In general, breakfasts are ok, although I've been slipping upwards. No way I want to go back to WW--but I was thinking I might aim for 10 point lunches. I will also pack extra in case I'm still hungry--it's not so much that I want to count and measure, but I was usually pretty much ok with lunches and I'd like to not slip up and accidently be eating 40-50 point lunches soley out of carelessness. I'm still going to eat what I like, and if I'm hungry, I'll eat what it takes--I just want to be a bit more mindful. When I feel comfortable that lunches are in order, then I'll begin to very slowly tackle dinner.

Less hopeful

You know, I've never considered myself a moody person, but this blog shows that I'm very much affected. The other day I weighed myself fully prepared with dread to see 200. I saw 195. Okay. Amazing the temptation to diet. But I'm determined not to--or at least not really. If I have days where I feel like eating a WW plan or whatever because I'm feeling heavy and bloated, then that is ok because it's what I want to do. But I'm not going to force myself on that or any other diet. The thing I want to change, but don't quite know how to is how to eat smaller portions when I want smaller portions? Sounds like a no-brainer, but it isn't! I was finally able to verbalize a very simple truth last night. The experience of eating one slice of pizza is not the same as the experience of eating 5 slices of pizza and a salad. I just isn't. My mind "knows" that I like the 5 slice experience--so it doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not. I always think I want the 5 slices.

hope

Feeling hopeful today--or maybe relieved is a better word. It feels so good not to obsess about food or weight. I feel more confident today that eventually, this is going to result in my regaining my natural happy weight. Yesterday we went to SLC to take Dad to the movies. We grabbed some dinner at pita pit. I didn't want the chips or drink b/c I knew I would have popcorn. It was a no brainer decision---but last year it would have been a very difficult decision based on knuckle-biting will power. At the movies we got 1 large popcorn for the three of us and I felt fine with this--no sense of "oh darn, I wish I could have more." Today is the seminary luncheon--my biggest weakness--appetizers--and it's ok--I feel as though I'm free to enjoy it and I find that I don't really want to inhale it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly things are getting better.

Trader Joe's

YAY!! A trader Joes opened in SLC this weekend. Now I have access to all the stuff Hungry Girl and others talk about. We went down yesterday and saw it. I don't think they were prepared for quite the enthusiasm they got. Some of the shelves were already bare. The thing I was most excited about were 1 oz servings of cheese. Goat cheese was all they had left and that was fine with me! We'll definitley stop there from time to time and pick up a fancy item or two. I'm really gaining a testimony of great food--it feels great to eat it of course, but the flip side, is that it feels less great to eat mediocre stuff--so much so, that it's getting harder to overeat.