541 A munchie day

I don't know what my body is missing today, but it's a munchie kind of a day. It's also a good day---a tang in the air, Catherine's at Harry Potter World, I have a good book, I'm actually looking forward to RS tonight (travel around the world), I'm doing Japan. It's day's like this that are already full of good things that I want to add even MORE wonderful things in the form of food. Although--I'm not feeling gluttonus today--and the compulsion to eat is definitley diminishing---but i had an early lunch and whatever it is my body wants, it hasn't quite gotten, but I don't know what it wants.

540 happier body

Ok, I've gotta find a balance here. Parts of my body at least are LOVING IE--specifically a big increase in healthy oils--lots of olive oils and olives. My overactive bladder is no longer a problem--that's without drugs which never worked very well, and my fingernails are so much stronger!!! Weak fingernails are actually a symptom of arthritis, so I don't know if I'll ever get my nice pre-arthritic nails back, but this is an excellent start!! It was at the point where my fingernails were tissue paper fragile. SO--increase in oils good--overeating especially a bunch of suger, perhaps not quite so good? Easily put 1/2 my dinner at Nothing but Noodles away. I just looked at that bowl of macaroni and realized that my body did NOT want all that macaroni. Later I had a small glass of milk and two cookies---too much. I didn't want them, but I have the hardest time once I've got out some food to then not eat it. Another struggle---leftover cravings. Maybe I'll want something today but can't get it for some reason. Craving passes. Food arrives 3 days later. I think I MUST have it! I've been wanting it!!! I MUST have it. Even though I really don't want it anymore.

538 Second place!

Dave and I ran/walked the stake 5K today and I took 2nd place in my age division! (I strongly suspect that there might have only been 2 of us in that division the 46-50 group, but since I don't actually KNOW that, I think I'll go ahead and assume that there were at least 20 of us. My time was 43:09--hardly lightning speed, but I did manage to beat a few toddlers and geriatrics. But what's really encouraging is that that time is good enough for the Disneyland half-marathon which requires a 17 minute mile. This time was well below that, but keeping it up for 13 miles is another matter.

A couple good IE things today--although, as usual, I'm still eating far too much fat and sweets. The free breakfast after the race was pretty bad. I ate the banana and apple juice, but managed to throw away at least 1 of the little scone nuggets that was dry and served without syrup. After the race, I went to the library and shopping for material for a Halloween costume. I wasn't hungry when I left, but was suddenly starving 5 minutes later. I had a biscotti at the library. I knew the fabric store would take some time, and I considered stopping somewhere for lunch, but what I really wanted was a grilled reuben sandwich at home. So I made sure I got it. Later, there was the opening picnic for Dave. I ate too many crackers with salami and cheese, but otherwise looking back on it, I ate pretty reasonably--had a little of everything I wanted--realized I didn't want a full blown burger and just ate the meat. And just ate one brownie for dessert---I wasn't interested in the cookies or rice krispie treats. Actually, I wasn't all that interested in the brownie either--I should have stopped a minute to think through what I really wanted (homemade ice-cream). I wound up having a little ice-cream too later on.

All in all, I imagine today probably kept my weight at status-quo. Ok. Actually, I'd be thrilled to find out thats actually the case--then I'd know I'd either be keeping it here or heading downward.

537 Intuitive by Force

Darn skinny people! I'd forgotten I was invited to a breakfast at work today. Breakfast is a major weakness, because I so rarely get a really elaborate breakfast--and this one was good---fancy muffins, croissants, fruit, potatoes, eggs, waffles, sausage and BACON!! But every single person at my table was skinny. I bowed to peer pressure and had a reasonable amount (but still plenty calorie laden). I was comforted by the thought that I had brought lunch, so if I got hungry later there was plenty I could have. But darn it. I know full well, that if others hadn't been there, I would have eaten more. Even as it was I was probably full before my plate was empty. I made SOME good IE decisions---but it's hard to feel victorious when I don't feel glad about eating less. I was full enough, but I really would have liked more of everything. Tonight I have a wedding reception too. Sigh---the good life is good in every way except this one. Too much of good foody things.

536 No so bad

Ok. 190 still. Not SO frightful. Only 7 pounds up from the WW low. That makes me feel a little better and also more willing to eat right. I want to sign up for the 1st part of an IE class here. What I NEED is the second part where they talk about application, but I'll be in Disneyworld overindulging in both exercise AND food. The watchword of the day--or rather the past several days is "Let it go". I CAN let it go--the part of the sandwich I don't want, the second helping I don't want, the ice-cream I'm not in the mood for, the cookies at the party I'm not in the mood for---regardless of the occasion (christmas chocolate??!!!) I CAN let it go. The other thing I can let go of? Fat. Nowhere is is written that I must be fat. It is engrained in my identity, but neither of my parents was fat. Both were good looking. I can be good looking too!!! I have the genes for it!! I CAN let go of the past, I CAN live in the present and be open to being a slim middle aged and older person. Why not? I have all eternity to live. I CAN live it in the normal shape I was meant to have all along. I CAN stop sabotaging my own efforts. Saying "no" to some food or large amount does not mean I'm on a diet or that I "can't" have it. It means I either don't want it--or I choose not to have it in the same way I might choose not to buy something I want and there might be many reasons that drive that decision. I dont need to overanaylize or worry. I can just LET IT GO.

535 where I really am

Sigh. Breakfast was perfect and perfectly filling---cream of wheat with blueberries. No temptation to have extra milk because I knew I could and I was fine. I got to attend a special lunch with the WSU pres today. They served potato bar. I'm not a big fan of potato bars. Neither the cheese sauce or the chili appealed to me, and the dressing they had for the salad was ranch. Blah. I skipped the roll and butter adn the chili, put a little cheese sauce on the brocolli. BUT I had two of the dessert bars on the vague ground that I really wanted them. I'm hungry again now which is good.

I guess the thing to really accept with IE is to find out WHERE I REALLY AM. And I'm scared to death that where I really am is over 200 lbs. But I feel like my weight with ww was artificially low--I had to fight and sweat and strain to get there and it never felt natural. At least if I'm where I really am both in habits and the weight that those habits bring me I can move down for real and really maintain the loss. This is how I lost the original 20--but my goodness was it slow!!!! I can be content (sort of) with slow, but not stopped. And I can tell the weight I've gained has gone to my thighs. What has changed since Iowa? I'm willing to exercise more--I walk 1/2 marathons now and enjoy 5K's. I have many more healthy receipes. But I haven't lost the desire to eat huge portions (though I did leave some potato behind), or to eat super high fat restaurant foods.

Maybe a little good old-fashioned nutritional advice might help. WHY is a big plate of greasy nachos bad for me? How exactly does my body deal with a load of fat and sugars and carbs like that? Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be quite as eager to indulge. I think I'll check out the book "You on a diet." I thumbed through it briefly once and even that helped. In my mind, if I eat a brownie nothing much happens. But the book points out that quite a lot happens on a cellular level at least.

533 a reeses egg

Fabulous time at Park City. And the food! Oddly, was rather IE. We were good and hungry for dinner (the deal included a 3 course meal)--holy cow! My appetizer alone would have cost $24. However my main dish was a little disappointing, and I didn't eat much of it, and I was full so I hardly touched dessert. I left most of the next day's lunch too, and then yesterday was fast Sunday--had a snack then a reasonable dinner at my Uncle's. IE says something that I like very much. It's talking about favorite "bad" foods and some people have a hard time with those for fear that once they allow themselves what they want, they won't stop eating. IE suggests taking the foods one at a time and eating them until you really and truly believe that you can eat them and---here's the magic---eventually you won't need to PROVE to yourself that you can have them by eating them.

This will take some time. I'm doing fairly well today, except that when I saw the halloween reeses pumpkins (remember my fondness for the Reeses Easter eggs?), I bought four. I wasn't in the mood to have one after lunch today, but something compelled me to eat one anyway. I can't understand it. I didn't want it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have another time. Why Why Why did I eat it anyway??? Maybe because it's Labor Day and so I have the day off and this is a lingering symptom of a "special occasion so I'd better eat?" Maybe that's it. Maybe I should start each morning reminding myself, "Today is or is not a "special occasion" day. So I can eat if I wan't to and I can leave it alone if I want to."