253 Still low

WOW!!  STILL 187--I can't imagine why. I've been totally off track.  This is NOT good for me. IT makes me think I can eat anything I want and still lose weight and therefore more resentful of any weight loss plan. But I'm getting better---I'm beginning to accept that it IS a lot of work to lose the weight to begin with, but perhaps maintenence is not going to be as awful as I fear.  This 187 is probably due to muscle mass being lost--but even still it's nice to see. It's also due I'm sure, to having lost the weight SOOOO slowly.  And I'm glad for that.  I think both physically AND psychologically I'll be ready to drop another 10-15 before I stall again.  I'm hoping for a lot of exercise next week in Hawaii!!!

252 Why WW?

Ok--continuing on with yesterday's post. What is it that I like about WW? Do I want to continue with it in the New Year or try something else?  WW does a couple of things right---if I stick to the program I DO lose weight. When I started writing this blog last Feb, I was trying the lean and free program, which sounds terrific, but I didn't lose anything.  Weight loss in and of itself is a terrific motivator. I also like the hundreds and hundreds of available recipies and I like the e-tools that allow me to track points and plug in any food or recipie to see what it's worth. I like the free fruits and veggies. But the thing that ww really does right that I'm not sure I can mimic successfully on my own is the extra weekly points. The problem with rigid calorie diets is that life itself is not rigid. There ARE days (many of them) where food is a major part of the day--there are also some days that are just plain hungrier than others. The extra points make a lot of sense to me, but I don't know what the caloric equivalents are (a closely guarded ww secret).  If I cooked up my own plan--it would be free fruits and veggies, the day's calorie total, plus some weekly calorie total that I could use whenever I wanted.  The only benefit that I can see of doing it my way would be that I would get to snub weight watchers. This would be a whole lot more effective if weight watchers cared that they were being snubbed.  I guess the real appeal of my own plan is a sense of freedom from WW or any other restrictive plan.  But that's scary too. I don't manage food well. I fight and kick at WW but it does set the limits I very much need. Besides, the calorie count website is where I can always go for motivating stories.  I will probably keep fighting on with WW as originally planned.

251 Calorie Count

I just love the calorie count website. I find it real and encouraging as opposed to weight watchers which makes me feel hostile. So why stick with ww?  Good question!!!! At the moment I am the most "off" I've been since April. It's surprising how quickly things unravel.  My exercise has been off because it's been so darn cold. But really---can this be overcome? YES!!! My food has been off because I'm bored with WW, and overwhelmed by life in general. Can this be overcome?  maybe?  I don't know. Maybe I'm rationalizing here, but I'm enjoying this break---it feels right somehow.  I don't mean that I'm enjoying it as a free for all food-fest. It really hasn't been that, though I HAVE been eating more and it's a little worrisome. Mostly, I've been feeling full and kind of NOT enjoying that feeling very much. I'm kind of mentally revving myself up for a Jan 1, renewal. I'm feeling more used to this weight in the high 180's and feeling as though the 170's and maybe even the 160's are no longer mystical fantasy numbers, but actually something that could be acheived--well, ok--the 160'a still feel mythical.  I'm looking forward to having classes, hawaii, and christmas behind me. I love all of those things, but I'm tired this year. I can't wait to not have every night filled with something.

246 blessing

WOW!!!  I've been completely distracted--I'm supposed to be working on my take home final--and I am, but I've really been working on this Hawaii trip.  Debbie arranged for ALL of us to leave a day earlier--so I've been spending the morning trying to reach everyone to see if they CAN leave a day earlier, and if the house will be available etc.  Everyone but Dad can and wants to go a day early, so that's all good. The charge for this will be NOTHING and we can get into the house a day earlier also at NO CHARGE! This will be sooooo much easier on everyone.  Food-wise, I've been on auto-pilot I'm afraid, but somehow my dinnertime portions have been shrinking thank goodness. I haven't been going out of my way to find Christmas treats, but they are everywhere.  I'm excited for Hawaii, but my family is a very difficult group to travel with and I think what I really want is to be back from the trip with everything as a happy memory.  I'm also glad for January to be coming--no classes and normal food.

245 maintaining

Life goes at a whirlwind pace. Trying to get this Hawaii trip off the ground, trying (and failing) not to overthink my family. Anyway, somehow I've been maintaining my weight loss!  Hooray!  187 last Friday. I'm going to have to be careful. Weight watchers has changed their program again as usual--reducing points but offering nothing that would make me feel less hostile. I think it's just the way they phrase things that puts my back up.  I have to consciously remember that no one is holding a gun to my head to make me do the plan. I think I've been eating a little out of sheer rebellion--which is silly, I'm in charge.  However, other things seem to be positive---we had cobb salad yesterday and I didn't want a great big one, so I made a smaller (though still plenty big) and was satisfied--all the more amazing because I forgot to get blue cheese dressing--so I had italian with blue cheese crumbles--far less fattening and still really good.  I'm getting an inkling that as I lose weight I really will WANT to eat less. Not as a matter of will power at all, but in the same way that I wouldn't WANT to eat a four pound steak right now---it's just too much and doesn't sound appealing.

241 Two thoughts

I was thinking yesterday I ought to write about boredom--and I will, for me it is the #1 diet killer. I wonder how people like Sean who start a diet and never stray can bear to stick to it? The bottom line is that the novelty of ANY plan has worn off while the novelty of food never wears off. More on this tomorrow--I wanted to put down something I learned yesterday before I forget it.

In psych I was talking with a student about soldiers and how nice kids can go off and not only kill the enemy, but also do all sorts of other horrible things.  She said in the Vietnam era (and probably today as well), they would show the soldiers terrible things by film and then immediatley afterward feed them a steak dinner or give them free access to prostitutes. Having those pleasurable experiences right after seeing awful things is a great way to break down moral fiber because soon seeing the bad things alone feels pleasurable. And there you go. You have someone who can do horrific things. The question is can I turn this to my advantage in a positive way? What can I find or do or think while I eat smaller portions that will be pleasurable that will NOT be there when I eat too much? How can I pair these up?  Maybe eating veggies can signal I'm about to have a good time in some way? How can I do that? I can't always take a walk or do something active after eating veggies because I'm at work. Could I stretch? Would I like that? I don't think it has to be a big thing--just some kind of happy reinforcement.

240 A fast

Yesterday we all fasted for Mom. It was a spectacular success--it was an outpatient procedure to deaden the nerves in her back and she went from 7 to 0 on the pain scale almost right away. She said last night that she could now eat and rest and that if she felt this good going to Hawaii wouldn't be a problem. I'm just so happy she's feeling better. I had Subways for dinner and a shake (Dave's fault).  Today, is back on track.