217 MY WAAAAAY

A happy day today. 186!!! A new record low! I feel like bursting into song and singing 'myyyyy waaaaaay.' All I can say is that the mind is a treacherous thing sometimes, and life really is based on the way you look at things. Last week I was ready to quit--191--only two pounds down from last summer and completely unmotivated.  This week 186 which is almost 10 pounds from where I was last summer. So today I feel as though all things weight loss are possible and am remembering with gratitude and relief all the mountains of off-track food I've eaten since April. I've loved eating in Aruba, and at the movies, and at Olive Garden and Zuppas. I love that when I work as hard as I can on weight watchers (which admittedly, even on the most rigid days isn't all that horrible), I can look forward to a real Thanksgiving weekend on MY terms. That means cooking all day Wednesday--without worrying about every taste. Eating freely and without guilt on Thursday. Having leftovers on Friday, and then maybe thinking about moderation again on Saturday when I'm sick of turkey anyway (a shame, the turkey is the one thing that wouldn't be bad for me to keep having). 

It's a good feeling---all my life I've been trying to eat anything I've wanted and still lose weight. It's one of the wishes if I ever come across the magic lamp--and I almost have it! If I'm content to move slowly then my food life looks pretty darn good! Even on a day like today when I'm on track, I've settled into many meals that feel normal and plentiful and rich and it doesn't seem too hard.  For example, today for breakfast I had a cherry pop-tart, a PB 2 banana, milk, juice and hot chocolate with whipped cream (9 points). For lunch I'll have the last chicken corden bleu roll----it's BIG, and corn and 2 wasa crisps with butter (about 11 points). I'll be snacking on a new discovery--- roasted edamame--yummy!  Dinner will either be the turnip soup I've been trying to get around to fixing for the last two weeks, with crusty bread. Or, if we go to SLC to take the green car to Mom's, Subways.  Liveable. There will probably be some chocolate in there too.

Oh! The last happy thing. After the fast when I finally got my hands on the fajitas yesterday---I was  finished with only 1!! Weird!!  But I was really done physically and psychologically. I was slowing down about 2/3 through and finishing it was a bit of an effort. Granted, I'd eaten some chips and cheese while I was preparing, and I also had a little rice and refried beans, but still---I usually eat all that anyway and then at least 2 full fajitas plus extras and still feel as though I could eat more.  A promising sign!! Someday what I want and what I should have will match!

216 Another Fast Sunday

We always seem to have fajitas on fast Sunday. Actually, it's a really good choice. Today I'm feeling slim and successful.  I did great yesterday. Dave wanted to get some exercise so we walked to an auto parts store 2 miles away. After that, Catherine wanted to do some shopping at Big Lots and some other stores near our house--add in another mile or two or three plus a lot of standing. I was rewarded with some very cute Halloween decorations for next year.  Catherine made her famous chicken cordon bleu for dinner--a surprisingly healthy choice.  And I experimented with tiny apple pies. I bought tiny little tart pans a while ago with an eye toward thanksgiving. This has nothing to do with weight loss. Every year we (meaning me and my mother) make a TON of pies for Thanksgiving, even though there are only 9 or 10 people to eat it all.  The reason is variety! I don't know how other families do it. To my mind an apple and an pumpkin pie are absolutely mandatory, but I also want a lemon merengue, a pecan, a carmel apple, a cheescake, something chocolate, maybe a key lime.. and this is when one can experiment with all those wonderful receipes from cookbooks.  Every year we throw away mountains of pie. ANYWAY--this year I'm making half recepies of pies and making little bite size tarts out of them so I can try every kind. Yesterday's apple pie was an experiment to see if this was even possible--ie: can I get the pies out of the tart pans? YES! Pies are a go!

215 Happy Irrational

Catherine is home for the weekend. It makes it feel like a holiday.  I did very well yesterday. Was moving some boxes around at work so I got a little exercise there too as well as walking to and from work.  I had lots of points left for dinner so I didn't feel too guilty about the pizza and cookies. I actually wanted to do one thing right (as opposed to making myself do something right)--I wanted garlic toast but we hadn't bought any, but just eating pizza and veggie tray stuff didn't sound filling so I made some fake garlic toast with 2 slices of diet bread with I can't believe it's not butter and garlic salt--a three point option.  The good thing was that the toast was a FAR FAR FAR better choice than having another slice or two of pizza--and this choice was NOT about trying to be good. This was a choice about wanting a satisfying pizza dinner.  Anyway the irrational part was this morning--I slept in and went to the bathroom and saw the scale. A little voice in my head said, "Maybe I'll weigh 186!" To which the another part answered--"you had pizza and cookies last night. What do you think you weigh?" "186,!" the real fundamental me answers.   Reality? 187. Which is totally fine--even something of a relief, but silly. Weighing daily is stupid--it doesn't mean anything.

214 Weekend at last

YAY!! Back to 187 and no food catastrophes on the immediate horizon--at least for the next week or so. Might I see 185 before I allow myself to be knocked off course again?  Maybe!! Yesterday was very close to my plan--I always forget I have to work till 5:30 on Thursdays this semester, so I allowed myself to be given a ride home. But I did fix turkey burgers (eaten waaaaay too late) and spent a good three hours with the holiday decorations so I'm feeling pretty good.  Happily, I feel more ready to cope with tracking points again--the weight drop helps. So does feeling better physically. The past six weeks have just been hard physically, but I should soon be able to go to the gym again for strength training.  Next semester I'm not taking a class--I'm going to work on my book instead. Also that opens me up to take "wellness" time on the job, so I'm hoping to be able to do my strength training on work time---uh oh----unless I join the Students in Motion group again for the May 1/2 marathon. I loved that group last year, but that would take up all the wellness time.  Oh well, good to go either way I guess.

Today, I'm just happy that it's Friday. The last two weekends have been fun, but tiring. Catherine is coming down for the weekend, but she's making her own way down so we'll only have to take her up on Sunday.  I'm much too excited about sleeping in tomorrow and Sunday.

213 Zuppas and no stats!

Yesterday was INSANE. I had my big test on Tues and I feel like I spent all day yesterday trying to grind out this miserable lab assignment only to follow it up with actually going to the lab. Dave picked up my dying carcas and we staggered to Zupas--a great sandwich and soup place.  For me, exhaustion is harder to deal with than hunger--if I'm over hungry there is a ghost of a chance that I might still be moderate--but once I get to that level of tired--I am finished.  To my credit, Subways was first choice, but Zupas is terrific, and I didn't put up a fuss. I had a terrific Swiss Cheese and onion soup and a sandwich, I don't feel as though I overate, but it was probably over point. But the assignment is DONE and other than the class I went to today, I'm declaring today statistics free.  It feels great. I walked to work and will walk home too. I had an on track breakfast, and plotted the day on ww--realized that if I want chocolate I shouldn't have as many pop-chips for lunch so I won't.  I'm going to go home after work on a gorgeous fall day, fix turkey burgers and oven fries, put away Halloween decorations, hopefully put out the Thanksgiving and just enjoy life.

212 Coming Back

Well, yesterday didn't go as planned, but it was a good on-track day just the same. I had a big stats test right after work. The original plan was to eat dinner before the test, but when the time came I wasn't very hungry and I really wanted to get the test overwith so that's what I did.  Dinner at home was very close to what I had planned here--"dinner in a pumpkin" as opposed to wylies goulash. The pumpkin dinner had beef instead of turkey, but I also didn't have the crackers and cheeseball to go with it so I figure it evened out.  The thing that didn't happen was exercise. It was too cold and dark to walk home and I was simply too beat to do it---ok, truth is I got derailed by Dave's Star Trek episode, and then I really wanted to practice the harp since I've missed a few days.  So that's what I did---a great harp practice, which I wish happened more often than it does.

Today I hope will be better still.  Despite the cold I walked to work (thighs are unhappy--not as recovered as I thought).  And I'm planning a good on track day complete with chocolate. The big test is behind me, and I think the worst of the semester is over. 

I don't know if I'll make the Hawaii goal, but I feel reasonably confident that I can at least make some progress. One thing I noticed on the marathon that I didn't like AT ALL about myself is the way I never quite seemed to make the goal I set. We did a lot of short jogging spurts. I'd say something like;"lets run to that bench or tree" and then inevitably, I'd jog most of the way and then slow down and start walking the last little bit. Why did I do that? And why am I doing it now? Why am I stopping/slowing down when the goals get close? I can at least work on the jogging part. Next time I'm out for a walk I want to start jogging little bits in hopes of someday being able to qualify for the Disneyland half marathon. I'll make sure the targets I set--the tree, the bench are really close so that there is no question but that I can jog all the way to the target. Weight-loss goals are trickier because I can't control the scale only what I'll do, but now that I'm a little more aware I can make a point to press on more firmly before a big weigh day instead of relaxing just before I get there.

211 Cheeseball!

Ok--almost finished with my snit.  This has been a bad de-railment. It's funny, that I can't tell what my own reactions are going to be.  I often get mad and frustrated about weight loss. Sometimes I can take it instride, sometimes I have a brief lapse, and sometimes, like this time--it's a very close shave to quitting altogether.  Probably one element this time is that I have been working on my relationship with my sister. It's been very positive and I'm so thankful she's been responsive, but it has also been emotionally draining--and since my resources for dealing with powerful emotions without food are not fully developed, perhaps it's not surprising that my motivation has gone out the window. But writing that out makes me feel a whole lot better!! Perhaps there really was a legitimate reason behind my food behaviors--it's not just that I'm a hopeless case doomed forever to be fat. Maybe it's more like having the flu.

In any case. I ate what I wanted yesterday--nice buffet at work (overindulged of course, but did make a point of eating my veggies). My big weakness is crakers and cheeseball.  (I also love salsa, and it occurs to me now that I can eat some salsa with veggies for free!) I also ate 4 pieces of pizza--a mistake on all fronts because I was full after 3.  It's funny how "impossible" it seems to be able to calculate points for anything when I'm off track. Even the healthy chili I brought myself came out really thick so I don't know the points.  Also exercise seems extra difficult. My legs feel almost normal again today and I had good intentions of walking to work, but it was raining and dark so I didn't.  Big deal! I usually walk in all but the very worst weather!

But today I think the food "flu" is beginning to pass off. I got on the WW site and tracked. True, I dont know how much the chili is worth, but I can guess pretty darn well! I brought my points calculator to work and worked out the points for the left over crackers and cheeseball.  LOVE cheeseballs. I'm blowing a full 10 points today on crackers and cheeseball.  I also have pumpkin seeds, and a reeses pumpkin.  Depending on how long my test takes after work I'll either walk home or ride the bike when I get there.  I very much like that I know that I can eat chili and crackers and cheeseball and chocolate for both lunch and dinner and know that I'm not going to pay a price on the scale.  I'm being gentle--I suppose in theory I should drop to 29 pts since I've been overeating all weekend, but I'm not. I'm starting from today at 36 a day (the 49 pts divided up over the week) and calling it good enough. I hope it will be. I'm still wanting to break 180 before Hawaii, but this feels right to me today.