157 Purse

ACK! Fuddruckers was closed for remodeling. We wound up at Chili's--not a terrible place, there are some nice diet-friendly options, not that any of us chose them.  I lost control over the chips and salsa.  But this is IT. I've been putzing around at the same weight for a month now.  I need to lose 3 more pounds to make goal.  I can do it, but only if I quit doing silly things. Challenges are always here. I have a BBQ coming up on Friday, and a housewarming party on Saturday. I'm determined to finish September strong. 

Now having said that, I still think that this path (with all of its deviations), is the right one for me. I'm SLOWLY beginning to believe that great off plan food will always be there--some I can incorporate right into the plan, sometimes I will indulge, but I don't need to always indulge because the same food will be there the next day and the next and the next and the next. I'm almost at the point where I can put that into action. At the baptism on Saturday I mentioned that I loaded up on fruits and salad and had two pieces of pizza which I had the points for.  I almost didn't go back for the second piece. I really didn't need/want it, but I'm just not quite at the place where I can easily say no to something I love just because I'm not hungry--especially if I actually have the points to have it. But I'm convinced that saying no to that second slice when it isn't wanted, is exactly how thin people stay thin. They're not deprived. They had the pizza. They just have the sense to realize that they don't want that second piece, even if they know it will taste good.  I'm getting there, just slowly slowly slowly.

I'm also going to forgive myself for August. This is a little scary to do--the line between forgiving myself for mistakes and rationalizing those mistakes is very thin. Maybe simply stating the truth will be the most helpful thing. August was genuinely a very stressful month. Most of the time I stayed on track anyway, but I ate at far too many restaraunts and had far too many other indulgences whenever a "special occasion" came up. I made no attempt to control anything at these times (except the educators BBQ--a little self-control there).  Result: maintained weight rather than lose. What should I do? Obviously, press on and do better. Will beating myself up for August be of any practical benefit? No. It will only discourage me. SO! Moving on in a positive way---it is also a fact that the weight I maintained was for me, a very low one. Pat on the back for staying at 190 and for bringing a very healthy lunch to the zoo! A pat for lifting weights on Friday. And a big pat for re-grouping and going forward again. My day is planned today and it should be fairly easy to handle since I'm still full from last night's dinner.

Now for two fun things results. It used to take aboiut 35 min to walk to campus. Today I left late and made it easily in about 20 min--that's without being out of breath! The other fun thing is my purse. I have a cute little bag--the only drawback was that the strap was a little too short to wear comfortably over one shoulder, so when I lost my wallet, I bought a different purse/wallet with a longer strap. I've never liked the new purse quite as well--I couldn't drop keys or my cell phone easily into it. Yesterday I decided to switch back, and the old purse's strap had magically grown longer! I wore it all over the zoo with no tugging or adjusting at all. Hey! bonus third thing--Christine is always picking up free clothes and passing them on to us. There was a nice shirt that looked small, but it fit!

So--good things are happening. A stall in August is far better than an out of control gain. Moving on--the dream is that I'll hit the 170's before we go to Hawaii.

156 Zoo

Labor Day! A glorious day to sleep in! We're going to celebrate by going to the zoo. I've fixed a nutritious picnic lunch, but dinner is going to be a Fuddruckers as we take Catherine back to BYU. Other than the french fries, it's not such a bad choice. And who knows? I've had enough hamburgers that I might even choose a different option.

155 Fast Sunday

Ahhhh Fast Sunday. Today that means TIME. Time to snuggle with my husband, time to watch Dinosaur Train--yes, the kid show, time to finally look at the Hawaii guidebook! Possibly time to tune the harp and replace a string. Time to be with Catherine. After church, a leisurely dinner (Pork Chops and Peaches) and family games. Food-wise, easy. Fasting has that nice side effect. The weather has turned from heat wave to perfect.  I'll go plot my weight (a disappointing 190) on the ww site and enjoy the day.

154 Over

A big sigh of relief today. Riley's baptism is over and it all went very well. Catherine is home for the weekend too and it feels really good. I didn't track today, but I think I probably wound up not too bad on points despite manifold temptations. Luckily, I wasn't hungry for lunch so I had points there. After the baptism we had some of Riley's favorites--pizza and cupcakes. I loaded up on salad and fruit and had 2 pieces of pepperoni--figure 10 pts a slice. Ok.Temptation not over yet. It was also Kristin's birthday--after cleaning up the church we went to Lisa's house for cake and ice-cream. Lisa does not make ordinary cakes. This one was darling--six layers each a different color. There was no such thing as a small slice. But I gave part of my slice to Mom and left some on my plate too.   I managed to get in some Just Dance this morning and I also mowed the lawn when we got back so I think overall I did well.

Just now though I''m a little disappointed. Because we refinanced our house we don't have to make a mortgage payment this month. So one would think that would give us an extra $625 to spend. Not even close. Someday, we'll have enough that we don't have to count the minutes until payday. But until then, God has been taking good care of us. We've had enormous bills with college, but our heads remain above water--a miracle indeed in this economy.

153 Tuna Casserole

All right---today IS the official weigh day. 190.  Meh. You know, if I could just put all the energy I spend treading weight loss water into forward momentum I could be done with this problem once and for all!  I'm telling myself--probably truthfully, that I am weighing a little heavier because I ate so darn late last night.  The original plan was to walk home at 5, eat dinner then go visit Sister Mead and go to my harp lesson.  Plans change---my office is now closing at 5:30 on Thursdays--I sort of selectively chose not to notice that I was the one scheduled to stay late (this is fair because I'm taking my stats class during the workday and need to make up time.  Anyway--I DID end up staying late then as I was walking home, Nanette the harp teacher asked if I would like the lesson at 6?  Usually I love to do this--and I decided to do it last night too even though I was really hungry.  So---dash home, grab harp books, run up to campus for the lesson, THEN go see Sis Mead, THEN finally get home around 7:30.  I had dinner around 8:00.  Too late and too hungry.  Still, I didn't finish it all.  The meal sounds perfectly good and it was--a porkchop I had marinated in a citrus marinade, noodles, green beans and a tomato and onion salad.  A good dinner, but not one that lit up my taste buds and made me wish for more. I realized midway through that I was full and stopped.  It brought to mind the stuff Mom used to make for dinner. She's a good cook, but back in the 70's when I was a lot thinner, she'd often make stuff like tuna casserole that was ok and nourishing, but nothing to get excited about. I think if I ate more meals like this it would be easier to control my weight.  There really is a limit to the amount of tuna casserole one can eat.  Problem is that I don't WANT a bunch of meals like this--I like looking forward to food and knowing it will be exactly what I want.

Still---stopping last night is a very good sign I think. Maybe I can begin to learn to stop when I'm full with exactly these sorts of situations--church food is a prime example. It's rare (as in once in my lifetime so far) that a ward dinner makes me excited. Usually, it at tuna casserole level. This is exciting come to think of it!!! This is how I quit eating fast food so much. I finally realized that I was never full and I didn't like that feeling. If I can begin to start happily passing up mediocre food when I'm full that will be a step toward passing up excellent food when I've had enough. 

152 Kettle Korn

Weird, yesterday's post didn't publish. So I pushed the button again today and I'm good to go. Yesterday, I had my day beautifully planned out, but I was derailed by starving hunger at about 10:00 o'clock.  You just can't fool the body.  For breakfast I had had a bowl of cream of wheat with blackberries. Yummy and satisfying--but apparently just plain not enough (4 points).  I continue to be amazed by those who manage to stick to low cal diets.  Anyway, I had a packet of soup here that was 1 point, but I didn't want to go over points, so instead I hung tough for about an hour and then instead, dug out the microwave popcorn that's been sitting in there for months. Now, I often bring microwave popcorn---usually the single serving size that's only a point or two. Well, this stuff came in a gift bag and I had no idea what it was or how much it was worth and since it wasn't labeled and I didn't know then somehow to my hunger addled mind it was a zero.  HA! It was full blown kettle korn and it was terrific--but I haven't had the courage yet to look up how many points that was worth! I knew what I was doing from the start, but I ate almost all of it before I was willing to consider what I was doing. I wonder why that was so difficult? It was probably because I was not only hungry then, but afraid that lunch wasn't going to fill me up either.  Even still...I fast once a month---zero food or even water all day long and it isn't that much of a big deal. So, I did what I always do.  Said oops to the kettle korn (it did make me feel much better) and kept the rest of the day on track including some good dancing on the wii. The other dumb thing I did though was to get on the scale this morning---again the power of pure wishful thinking. I WANT to see the 180's again. I'm soooo close.  191.  But again, it's not even weigh day so I shouldn't be on the scale. It might be the kettle korn, it might be retained water, it might be the late dinner, it might be a hundred things and I know better, but that doesn't stop the inner voice from shrieking--"you can't do this!" "It will never happen!" "You don't want to do this!" "Why don't you stop and have something you want to have??"

It feels good to identify that voice here in the blog. It robs the voice of power. Today I had something similar happen.  Much more substantial breakfast, but still hungry in the mid-morning.  I was tired last night and didn't plan out my food properly (although I did make dinner for tonight). I threw together what I hoped would be ok. It was. I got to work and logged it all in on the computer.  This time I DID eat the soup for a point. Also, I bought a sleeve of the lime and chili nuts I like and ate a controlled 1/2 sleeve for three more points.  It means I won't have a bunch of cookies and milk later on, but I think it was the right decision.

Now---on the VERY bright side. Today I am wearing the GREEN SHIRT!!!! Christmas before last Dave bought me five or six beautiful shirts for work. All a plain size large-I was on the old ww plan and hating it--in fact I think I had just fallen off the wagon for keeps. None of the shirts fit. I could squeeze into them, but they hugged every bulge and no way could I wear them in public. They ALL fit last night.  A little tight in the chest maybe, but not unduly so. They all seemed much stretchier than they used to be. The green shirt is my favorite of all that he bought. It feels great to wear it on the first day of Sept--which to my mind is the first day of fall regardless of what the calendar says. I feel slim. I do NOT need to listen to the voice. Yes, this takes time. Yes, this takes more time than I think it should because of my own poor choices. But every day is a new day and YES I CAN succeed. Nobody's out there with a stopwatch. This is a process of recovery and if kettle korn mistakes are part of the process then so be it.

151 Feeling Skinny

Feeling skinny today. I'm learning that feeling skinny doesn't have much to do with my actual weight--I mean within a pound or two I doubt I'm noticing a real difference, but it doesn't matter. Today I feel skinny and it's fun. My legs feel long, my pants are loose, my waist seems more defined. It makes me want to stay on course to get even farther along more quickly. It's weird to think I'm living at what is dream weight for some people and well below goal weight for some men. Makes me feel petite indeed!  Today I'm also feeling pleased with points. Tonight's dinner is cobb salad. I figured out the points if I were to have it as I like it--real blue cheese dressing (4 TBLS--ok, I would like more, but this is reasonable), blue cheese crumbles, regular cheese cubes, meat, and bacon. Also on the side, 4 wasa crisp breads with butter and garlic salt. That comes in at a whopping 22 points. But you know what? That's not undoable!  I had a lite bagel with cream cheese and a bowl of blackberries for b-fast. For lunch, I'm having a wrap, olives, zero point soup,watermelon and cheetos.  I have a banana for a snack which I'll try and save until after work, because I have my lab tonight so it'll be a late dinner.

The other day I re-read this blog from the beginning. HOLY COW!! Talk about a record of addiction! On again, off again an endless record of 'exceptions' and rationale. And yet, I'm being successful anyway!!!!  Looking back, it hasn't been a particuarly easy time emotionally--Mom getting cancer, some unhappy family encounters, Catherine wanting to join the military, financial stress, RS presidency stuff, a close contact with a suicide, and most of all---Catherine graduating from high school, getting ready for college and then LEAVING home.  Any of those could have knocked me off track---come to think of it, all of them DID--and yet I'm still here. 19 pounds lighter--hoping to see 20 by Friday