A new start and I don't deserve it

Restart yesterday. Starting weight 205. Sigh. Really though, I hope I remember this when I work and try and sweat and don't lose what I think I deserve to lose. Because bad as 205 is, I deserved MUCH worse than that considering all I've been eating. To a large degree, weight is completely arbitrary. If I work and don't quit, the day will come that I weigh a good deal less than I do today. If I don't then I will eventually weigh a good deal more. Right now, I'm on my way out the door to earn a few extra calories for dessert.

Yesterday I did great--mostly because of the help of the Lord, but partly because I was still full. It was an active day for me. I got up and walked a 5K. Then I ran errands for a couple of hours with C. Then we went to Cherry Hill water park for the first time on the evening discount pass so it was only 2 hours, but I was pretty tired. So, I earned a bunch of extra calories.

thick blood

I gave blood yesterday--or at least tried to. I've never had trouble giving blood and I like to donate. I feel good because I know my blood is clean and healthy and can really be used. But yesterday--wow! I don't know if it was due to an inexperienced technician, or my failure to squeeze the little ball, or what it really felt like---that my blood was too thick and gooey from all the junk I've been eating to move through the tube. First off, my iron was a little low, but they spun it twice and I passed the second time. Then they put the needle in and my blood went for about three inches down the tube and stopped. They had to get a blood pressure cuff and twiddle around with the needle to get it really going. All was well until the very end when I just stopped. They could not get my blood to go anymore and eventually gave up. My blood bag was not quite full.  Somehow I just can't shake the feeling that had I been eating better this would not be a problem.

I've decided that I really don't understand the negative consequences of eating poorly. I must research to find this out. Maybe it will help me desire less junk if I really understood what it was doing to my heart and liver etc.

Expectations

I guess I'll start trying again on Saturday. (That's when we go shopping so I can plan out my meals). What's different this time? Nothing that feels very positive, except that Dave will probably do more on this path with me. I think I've let go of most of my expectations. I don't expect that this will be easy, or satisfying, or filling. I do expect crashing boredom, anxiety, and deprivation. I don't expect weight loss in any kind of time frame that I will find acceptable. I expect to feel left out and angry.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I hope it's for self-mastery. I hope it's to be more like the Savior, who I can't imagine being tripped up by addictions. Maybe it's just sheer habit, I hope not. I expect a dreary and never ending slog. There will be no "exceptions" other than Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. If I have the calories, that's fine. If not, then that's tough. I expect to deal with hunger. Worse, I expect to deal with emotions. Maybe in dealing with them I'll become stronger. Maybe I'll just become depressed. But I guess it's nice to know that I seem to be incapable of giving up entirely.

Yo-yo frustrations

Really my heart goes out to drug addicts. I am so wishy-washy about this. Happily, my dieting yo-yo has such a short string that I never really go too far one way or the other. I've been off-track for a few weeks now--I really can't seem to embrace intuitive eating. My intuition tells me that every day is a feast and I have the hardest time not reacting to that. Dave is unhappy with himself too. Now that I'm at the top of the yo-yo and feeling both full and fed-up, I'm ready again to hammer away at going down.

My big fear still remains---what if all the stars align and I actually manage to get down to a healthy weight? Will I really be able to maintain it? The statistics say no. My experience says no. And I really don't want to put out a lot of effort just to be back here again in a year or two. Here's a question for a nutritionist that might make me feel better. Would it make a difference? I mean---would losing all that weight, and then slowly packing it back on actually benefit me in any way? Would the workouts have made my heart stronger? Would there be lasting benefits from a temporarily lowered blood sugar? It would help if the answer were yes.

I'm also thinking the real goal shouldn't have anything to do with weight or even health. The thing I really need to desire is self-mastery. And I do desire it. Just not enough to work for it. Sigh.

Trying to be on-track

I've completely lost my "follow a plan" mojo. I picked out my slips and was totally unmotivated to follow them. HOWEVER, I'm still trying. I think if I really don't want to follow a set plan, I CAN attempt intuitive eating and give myself successful stars for doing that. The problem, as I've established over and over and over and over is that my stomach is done eating LONG before my mind is and I rarely want to stop when I'm full. But I'm doing better!!  I'm reminding myself that mealtimes may be short and that's ok. Whether it takes me 10 minutes to eat or 1 hour eventually the meal will be done, so it may as well be done when I've benefited my body rather than abused it.

I did well the day before yesterday with ONE taco and a small amount of rice and beans. Slipped a little nibbling cheese after, but an acceptable effort. Yesterday was another work retreat. I really wasn't hungry for more than one hotdog so that's all I ate! Drawback, I was then too hungry for dinner (even though I had a snack) and I did some pre-dinner sampling. I think that needs to be a big no-no.