rebeldieter: April 2013

Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Balance

I had what I think is a new and obvious thought, but it's so obvious, that I wonder if I've even mentioned it here before and forgotten about it. 10 years ago, when I finally gave up caffeinated Diet Coke, it took a good THREE YEARS before caffeine free diet coke felt as good to drink as the caffeinated kind. Stopping overeating has got to be the same. Now that I think of it, I'm sure it will take AT LEAST three years and probably more, before eating normally feels as good to me as overeating. Oddly, that's good news. It helps me to have confidence that eventually, normal eating will be what I want to do.

The trick is going to be to find balance. I can't quit eating cold turkey. And when I'm hungry, it's difficult to make good decisions about what my body needs as opposed to what my mind wants. The solution there is advance planning. Overall though, I think the real solution is going to be finding that balance between what I want, what I need, what is simply bad habit, what is nutritional. I want to be conscious of my decisions, but not too much so because that's out of balance too.

I also like the simple idea of moving toward my goal or away from it. Catherine told me of a missionary who had to lose X number of pounds before they would allow him to go, he did it too. She described one day when everyone else had their Wendy's hamburger, and this young man had a turkey sub. These kinds of things are so hard for me to treat normally---I bet the other kids eating Wendy's were thin. Why didn't this poor guy get to eat a hamburger?

Okay, think this through. EVERY person who ate a burger and fries that day was moving AWAY from being a healthy person. If the others were thin, it's because they usually make better decisions. This missionary had made too many poor food decisions which is why he was fat, but he still gets to make the SAME choice. He could have eaten the burger and fries too, and it would have slowed his weight loss down. He made a different choice and it moved him in the right direction. I have to remember that I'M NOT BEING PUNISHED. I am in exactly the same boat as everyone else. I make good choices, I move toward good health, I make poor choices, I move toward poor health. I'm overweight, which means I've made too many poor choices, so I need to make EXTRA good choices to compensate for the poor choices in the past. That thought helps with deprivation thinking.

Today is tough because it's the distinguished professor reception which means my all time favorite--appetizers. However, I've been eating a lot of cheese lately, so hopefully at least the cheese won't seem so special to me.

Here's todays food:

Breakfast: 2 crepes, diet juice. NORMAL

Snack: cake. Thinking--good (I knew I didn't need cake, but was trying to act "normally" and had 1/2 a slice). Result: POOR

Snack: Grapes and cheese. Thinking GOOD (pre-planned and made at home so I could go heavy on the grapes and light on the cheese) Result: NORMAL

Lunch: 6 inch roast beef sub. and baked chips. NORMAL

Dinner: Have hopes of some control. Will eat banana just before going. Thinking: POOR--sure the banana is a good idea, but I get waaaaayyy too excited about stuff like this. I don't think thin people obsess as much as I do.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Uh boy

Oh dear, Things are going up up up up up. I feel fat, I've gained weight and worst of all, I've set a terrible example for Catherine who has gained weight too. I don't want to bounce back to weight watchers though to start the downward part of the yo-yo. But I really hate feeling fat and having my clothes be tight. I'm going to try to find what works for me on a daily basis if need be. Today, I just want to track what I'm eating, whether it's reasonable or not, and how it could be better. Catherine leaves for her mission on Wednesday, and I know we've both got some "last supper" thinking going on. But Wednesday will not be my "last supper" of overeating. I'm determined to keep working on eating and moving normally and let God take care of my body's response.

Breakfast--Normal--was a little hungry.

A thin bun with veggie cream cheese spread

Banana

milk

Snack---Poor, because I wasn't hungry AND it was heavy on calories

small pouch of Scooby-doo fruit snacks

sleeve of chili-habanero almonds

Lunch--Normal--ish. I felt the amounts were more or less appropriate, but since I still wasn't hungry I probably would have been happy with 1/2.

Sandwich--white roll, sausage (leftover from C farewell), cheese and spinach.

Deli olives--about 8 or 9. honey dew and watermelon chunks tomato soup--literally just a few sips because I was full. a few bites of dark chocolate.

Hopefully normal Dinner tonight will be fajitas for Catherine. Not a bad choice diet-wise. We have a lot of goodies at home though and I'm not willing to deny myself anything today. I think my best bet will be to make a determined effort to not graze, and not eat two fajitas, if I'm already full with just one. And I can drink water.

Exercise---at the moment on unwilling hold. My knee is out. So I haven't been walking, but it's not by choice.